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    PILE OF CRAP – (REALLY CRAP COLUMN)

    Posted by on March 19, 2012 at 6:44 am with 40 comments

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    Absolute Dog Shit of a Power Struggle Storyline (Paradoxicalorady)

     

    Greetings! A warm welcome to all of you, the readers. Today, I – “Mr Excitement” (other people call me that too you know, I didn’t just make it up myself) – aim to bring to you the best column in the history of the entire multiverse.

     

    Unlike my counterparts, the board of directors at TWNPnews have asked me to become head columnist – they want me to lead. They want me to serve. They want me to excite… hence the nickname “Mr Excitement”.

     

    Aside from me being made head columnist, there’s also some other big goings on in the TWNP universe right now.

     

    There’s a power struggle going on, guys. Behind closed doors the board of directors are sick of Shaun Plummer – current column board ‘administrator’… (quick fact: notice the inverted commas around the word administrator? This implies he is a poor administrator by using his own title against him in jest for the purposes of sarcasm. Please feel free to use this tact in the inevitable trade of insults below. You’re welcome).

     

    Back to Plum-bum… They’re sick of him hiring poor writers. They’re sick of the lack of columns. In fact, the columns these days suck.. except mine. Mine is obviously awesome. We all know that. I don’t need to tell you this, I’m not an insecure person AT ALL, and if ANY of you say otherwise you’re wrong I tell you! You are WRONG! But I digress…

     

    At present things are looking dire for Plummer… the board of directors believe, and I wholeheartedly agree, that his position is untenable. This column board has gradually descended into ridiculous smut over these past few months, and it is more inappropriate than a pensioner raping a baby in broad daylight.

     

    They are looking to rename the role, the “Executive Vice Prime Minister of ‘Talent’ Relationships”.

     

    Who deserves to make this role their own? Who deserves to hire and fire columnists? Who deserves to have that sheer thrill that absolute and unadulterated power brings?

    I’ll leave that one up to you, the TWNP universe. But after speaking with the board of directors about my recent head columnist promotion, I’m quite certain who they have in mind.

    But, being the pillar of the community that I am, instead of just ripping Plum-bum’s job away from him immediately I will do the fair thing… we live in a democratic society… so we do the mature and honourable thing…

     

    WE HAVE A 12 MAN BATTLE ROYAL OF INSULT TRADING

    -6 posters/columnists on my Team Mick

    -6 posters/columnists on Team Plummer

    As you can imagine being on ‘Team Mick’ is a privilege close to Knighthood, so get your applications in now folks!*

    *retards are not allowed to apply for Team Mick

    :)))))))))D

     

     

    Brodus Gay

     

    BRODUS CLAY… Brodus Clay, ‘The Funkasaurus’ is back! I am devastated, needless to say. Sure it’s just a gimmick for a bit of fun… but where does the future lay for clay? …on hay the right way with bray on a tray?

    Seriously though – he can’t just keep squashing opponents and spending 95% of his time dancing. This is the WWE, not Dancing on Ice.

    Just to backup what I’m saying, and that I’m not exaggerating with the ’95%’ statement, here is a run down, EXACTLY as it happened, when he faced Jinder Mahal this past week….

    - JINDER DIDN’T GET AN ENTRANCE, HE WAS OUTSIDE THE RING WAITING

    - 3 MINUTE ENTRANCE BY THE FUNKASAURUS

    - WHEN THEY FINALLY DO START GRAPPLING, IT LASTS ALL OF 25 SECONDS. BRODUS CLAY USED 3 MOVES – A HEADBUTT, A SUPLEX, AND A SPLASH.

    - 2 MINUTE POST MATCH CELEBRATION WHICH WAS ONLY INTERRUPTED BY A COMMERCIAL BREAK

    Seriously? I’d rather watch Dancing With The Stars. True, complete, and utter dog shit television. This is a public plea to the WWE … PLEASE FIRE THE BOOKER WHO CAME UP WITH THE FUNKASAURUS IDEA!

    No more … please … no more!!!

     

     

    WATER PISTOL KELLY…

     

    Total Eminen wannabe, built like a testosterone deficient cancer patient, looks like he lives in a caravan (US = trailor)… “I, uuuuuhhhh, formally accept yo Wrestlemania invitat-ion maaaan, dawg’.. I rise above hate too yo’, just like ma’ dawg h’ere John Cena”

    Makes sense that a weedy string if piss will be ushering John Cena into Wrestlemania – any male fans of his above the age of 13 are, as the Rock put it, WALKING VIRGINS.

     

    ==**!!! EXCLUSIVE !!!**==

    We here at Sticky Corp have managed to get hold of the (as yet) unreleased Machine Gun Kelly Wrestlemania theme song! So as to avoid copyright laws (and to not make you consider suicide), we will release a brief transcript of the main chorus below… enjoy all you MGK fans! This is for all 4 of you…

     

    “Yo, yo, yo, ma’ name is ‘Machine Gun Kelly’

    Got’s skinny arms jus’ like jelly

    Ma’ momma’s snatch be reekin’ smelly

    An if you wanna fuck er you’se got’s to lift up her belly;

    John Cena? He ma’ boy

    Jus’ like my Transformer’s teddy toy;

    Wrestlemania gon’ be off da’ hook an’ totally sick!

    White trash rap 4 life and don’t listen to the stories in the papers ’bout ma’ dick!;”

     

    I’m Cheap White Trash With a Small Dick” – the official MGK theme tune for Wrestlemania is available right now on itunes!

     

     

    Attitude-Anal!

     

    REALLY? Michael Cole spots garbage on a regular basis, but this is Booker T territory. “Attitudonal”? Fucking ridiculous… MICHAEL COLE? Invest in a Dictionary and a Thesaurus! … and MICHAEL COLE? Hang yourself! … and MICHAEL COLE? Please get cancer.

    Mike, we all enjoy your commentary, but PLEASE leave a bit more of the colour commentary to Lawler. It’s starting to ruin RAW…

    In the words of the Great One….

    SHUT YOUR MOUTH, MICHAEL COLE!

     

     

    Wrestlemania QUICK PICKS!…

    Mania is coming soon! On April Fool’s Day in fact… Hmmm, expect some swerves in that case then. I’m not going to go into detail with, I’m just going to make brief observations and winner picks on each match scheduled so far. That’ll come in another column (already you are lusting for it, aren’t you?)

    So… ho ho ho…. here we go!

    (winners in bold)

     

    Randy Orton vs. Kane – Where the flying birtshit has this come from? Pre-PPV Kane inexplicably went after Cena, now Randy Orton? Credit where credit is due though, Orton and Kane are awesome at just getting involved in meaningless (story wise) feuds and making them seem much more important than they actually are. Randy Orton to win…

     

    Team Teddy vs. Team Johnny – Some type of swerve will happen and neither team will win… I’m guessing a new power figure altogether will emerge…

     

    The Undertaker vs. Triple H (Hell in a Cell Match with special referee Shawn Michaels) – Undertaker to make it 20 – 0.

     

    WWE Champion CM Punk vs. Chris Jericho – Jericho to win this one. VERY MUCH liking Jericho’s insults toward CM Punk’s family! Very clever. Jericho has really made things interesting and I believe he’s going to pull of the victory, somehow, to lead us into a rematch at the next PPV… CM Drunk, CM Drunk, CM Drunk… (excellent)

     

    World Heavyweight Champion Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus – Same deal here. I pick Daniel Bryan to win, continuing the feud beyond Wrestlemania.

     

    Intercontinental Champion Cody Rhodes vs. Big Show – this is one I’m really looking forward to for some reason! Cody Rhodes beating Khali CLEAN on Smackdown was a huge boost to his career, showing he CAN beat giants. Personally I think that because Big Show has been demoted (in effect) by competing for the Intercontinental belt, and humiliated by Rhodes week after week lately, this year is going to be the Big Show’s… (but expect Cody to regain the title soon afterwards…)

     

    Kelly Kelly and Maria Menounos vs. Divas Champion Beth Phoenix and Eve – Eeny meeny miney mo…. seriously, though, who HONESTLY gives a fuck? I thought we were going to see Kharma vs Beth Phoenix at Mania… but ah well, for fun, I pick Kelly Kelly and Unknown Diva

     

    Goodbye!

     

    That’s all for now folks. I’ll see you in the next one. Again to reiterate – there is a vote going on, it’s between ME and Shaun Plummer for column board admin… who do you choose? Get your votes in now!

    First voter gets a prize!*

    *I promise, first voter gets a prize, scout’s honour!

     

    LOL-i-pop

     

    • “I’m just going to cup your testicles sir,” said my doctor. “Then I shall need to insert a finger into your anus. Is this something you’re familiar with?”

      “Something I’m familiar with?” I frowned. “It’s bedtime with Uncle Bob all over again.”

    • I went on a blind date last night.

      It didn’t work out though.

      Her dog barked every time I tried to steal her purse from her bag.

    • My doctor was checking my balls for any lumps the other day.

      It got awkward when I ran my fingers through his hair.

     

    Goodnight, and Thetan bless you!

     

    Mcik xxx

     
     
    Comment on this Article/Post
    • TheRussian

      Applied for Tean Shaun but seems he did not want a second Micky around.
       
      Got thrown out of the supermatker today. They did not agree with my view on the ‘open here’ text on the groceries.

    • TheRussian

      Applied for Tean Shaun but seems he did not want a second Micky around.
       
      Got thrown out of the supermatker today. They did not agree with my view on the ‘open here’ text on the groceries.

      • Micky

         @TheRussian ;)
        So far it’s…
        TEAM MICK – Sticky Micky, McLovin
        TEAM PLUM – Jamal Plummer theRussian
        in the words of JR… it’s shaping up to be a slobberknocker folks!!!!

      • Micky

         @TheRussian ;)
        So far it’s…
        TEAM MICK – Sticky Micky, McLovin
        TEAM PLUM – Jamal Plummer theRussian
        in the words of JR… it’s shaping up to be a slobberknocker folks!!!!

    • Micky

      hell?

    • Micky

      hell?

      • McLovin

         @Micky no, still England. Zing.
        (it was right there, i had to make it)

      • McLovin

         @Micky no, still England. Zing.
        (it was right there, i had to make it)

        • Micky

           @McLovin McAsslov… I can’t do it! Sorry … but I don’t live in England – I live in a different part of the UK ;)  but yeh, pretty much England is a shit hole right now. The colours outnumber the whites and the amount of teenage pregnancies outnumbers the colours!

        • Micky

           @McLovin McAsslov… I can’t do it! Sorry … but I don’t live in England – I live in a different part of the UK ;)  but yeh, pretty much England is a shit hole right now. The colours outnumber the whites and the amount of teenage pregnancies outnumbers the colours!

    • McLovin

      This is the bestestest shiz EVAR. I Love it. 
      And I’m rooting for team Jama……oops….. team Shaun ( wink wink ). He tries to bring in new columnists, but they just doesn’t stick, and it’s a shame. Back in 06-07, there were some 6-7 regular writers. And now we’re left with just two.
      And btw, what’s you’re problem with Cena ? I get that you’re an old Rock fan, I am too. I had an orgasm when he returned last Feb. But CENA OWNED ROCK for three straight weeks. This shows that Cena can be just as good as The Rock. I’m rooting for Cena to win at Mania and then a heel turn post mania.

      • Micky

         @McLovin so you’re on Team Mick? McLovin… YOU’RE IN! Don’t worry, I won’t let you down… Mr Terrorist s going out with a BANG ;)
        Cena.. wow, where to start.. may write a full column about him soon…. but he is a flat out joke. Sure the Rock kinda-half-sorta choked these past few weeks, but NO ONE COMES CLOSE to the Rock in front of a crowd. John Cena did a one minute rap.. the Rock put on a god damn concert!
        And the claim that “once the Rock saw Hollywood he ran for the money” that Cena spouts is total bullshit… the Rock had one heck of a career, multi time WWE champ, comes from a wrestling family and lives and breathes the WWE. He has put people over, he has carried the company almost singlehandedly for years, he has promoted the shit out of the WWE (he’s in Wrestlemania for fuck sake!) so no one could question his loyalty for the WWE, because really he could’ve just said “see ya” and left for good ….. SO WHAT if he wants to make a few movies? Wrestling is a dangerous business, injuries are frequent and many ex-pro’s end up cripples. If I had the choice… after what the Rock has done for the WWE…. I would do exactly the same in the same situation. Get paid MORE for NOT putting my body/life on the line? Makes sense!
         
         

      • Micky

         @McLovin so you’re on Team Mick? McLovin… YOU’RE IN! Don’t worry, I won’t let you down… Mr Terrorist s going out with a BANG ;)
        Cena.. wow, where to start.. may write a full column about him soon…. but he is a flat out joke. Sure the Rock kinda-half-sorta choked these past few weeks, but NO ONE COMES CLOSE to the Rock in front of a crowd. John Cena did a one minute rap.. the Rock put on a god damn concert!
        And the claim that “once the Rock saw Hollywood he ran for the money” that Cena spouts is total bullshit… the Rock had one heck of a career, multi time WWE champ, comes from a wrestling family and lives and breathes the WWE. He has put people over, he has carried the company almost singlehandedly for years, he has promoted the shit out of the WWE (he’s in Wrestlemania for fuck sake!) so no one could question his loyalty for the WWE, because really he could’ve just said “see ya” and left for good ….. SO WHAT if he wants to make a few movies? Wrestling is a dangerous business, injuries are frequent and many ex-pro’s end up cripples. If I had the choice… after what the Rock has done for the WWE…. I would do exactly the same in the same situation. Get paid MORE for NOT putting my body/life on the line? Makes sense!
         
         

        • TheRussian

           @Micky  @McLovin What makes sense is Cean and Rock having a beer together laughing at the marks who take their words serious.

          • Micky

             @TheRussian  @McLovin totally agree with you,was going to write about Cena and the Rock sipping on cocktails a lá Oceans Eleven in my next column in fact!

          • Micky

             @TheRussian  @McLovin totally agree with you,was going to write about Cena and the Rock sipping on cocktails a lá Oceans Eleven in my next column in fact!

        • TheRussian

           @Micky  @McLovin What makes sense is Cean and Rock having a beer together laughing at the marks who take their words serious.

        • McLovin

           @Micky I got NO problem with Rocky, none at all. Well, other than the fact that his ‘Concert’  (am i doing it right ? ) was filled with super corny stuff, mom jokes and same old catchphrases. But dude, give some credit to Cena. He’s doing the best he can with this PG superCena gimmick that WWE is forcing him to do. If Cena will be allowed to do some edgy stuff, I’ll bet he can at level with CM Punk in promo department. That’s just what i think.

          • Micky

             @McLovin I do actually agree with you. Some of the stuff Cena has come out with these past few weeks has been cutting edge… but NOBODY even comes close to the Rock in terms of putting 20,000+ people solely in the palm of his hand. John Cena is actually a fantastic mic/promo worker. I know it’s just “mom jokes” and “catchphrases”(yes, you did it right!) but that’s what I LOVE!!! Classic Rock… how often do you get to see a Rock promo these days? It’s not as if he stands on the red carpet shouting “if ya smeeelllllllllllll!” during his movie premieres, so enjoy it while it lasts! He’s paid his dues and then some… the show ‘Smackdown’ is named by the Rock! So much of the WWE and the phrases that are used are down to the Rock, so if anything the WWE owe HIM something for churning out these promos and appearing at WM….
             
             

          • Micky

             @McLovin I do actually agree with you. Some of the stuff Cena has come out with these past few weeks has been cutting edge… but NOBODY even comes close to the Rock in terms of putting 20,000+ people solely in the palm of his hand. John Cena is actually a fantastic mic/promo worker. I know it’s just “mom jokes” and “catchphrases”(yes, you did it right!) but that’s what I LOVE!!! Classic Rock… how often do you get to see a Rock promo these days? It’s not as if he stands on the red carpet shouting “if ya smeeelllllllllllll!” during his movie premieres, so enjoy it while it lasts! He’s paid his dues and then some… the show ‘Smackdown’ is named by the Rock! So much of the WWE and the phrases that are used are down to the Rock, so if anything the WWE owe HIM something for churning out these promos and appearing at WM….
             
             

          • Memphis Merlin

            @Micky @McLovin

          • Memphis Merlin

            @Micky @McLovin

          • Memphis Merlin

            Classic Rock promo? Really? Rocky used to never say “I”. Rock used to never stutter or get flustered. Rock used to be cutting edge. Now it’s all rehashed. Cena’s comment about him writing his notes on his wrist tore him up. And you don’t need a whole concert when you can destroy your opponent with one wrap.

          • Memphis Merlin

            Classic Rock promo? Really? Rocky used to never say “I”. Rock used to never stutter or get flustered. Rock used to be cutting edge. Now it’s all rehashed. Cena’s comment about him writing his notes on his wrist tore him up. And you don’t need a whole concert when you can destroy your opponent with one wrap.

          • Micky

             @Memphis Merlin Not necessarily CLASSIC Rock… but after not seeing him cut a promo for so long, it was just ELECTRIFYING… the Cena wrist bit was pretty awesome though, I do concede

          • Micky

             @Memphis Merlin Not necessarily CLASSIC Rock… but after not seeing him cut a promo for so long, it was just ELECTRIFYING… the Cena wrist bit was pretty awesome though, I do concede

          • Memphis Merlin

            I was excited about Rocks return but I’m over it. The only thing he has done lately that I found slightly amusing is when he was throwing Cena’s merchandise into the Boston Harbor. Outside of that, Cena has owned him. I hope Cena beats him down so Rocky can leave again and make some more bad movies.

          • Memphis Merlin

            I was excited about Rocks return but I’m over it. The only thing he has done lately that I found slightly amusing is when he was throwing Cena’s merchandise into the Boston Harbor. Outside of that, Cena has owned him. I hope Cena beats him down so Rocky can leave again and make some more bad movies.

          • Micky

             @Memphis Merlin Disagree with you in a way… because the Rock’s been gone for SO LONG, it’s just awesome to see him again. I know it’s pretty much the same shit as he was doing 10 years ago, but NO ONE does it better! I gotta admit… I rarely get GENUINELY excited when watching wrestling anymore, but when the Rock is in promo-mode I mark out like a little kid! We all know he’s back to Hollywood after WM so I’m just enjoying it while I can.
            As for Cena… I’ve been seriously impressed with his stuff lately. Not in the ring, it’s always the same crap in the ring and it has been the same crap on the microphone until recently, which is why everyone is bored of ULTRA BABY FACE John Cena at the moment…. it’s OLD. His recent Rock rebuttals have been top notch, but after Mania if he doesn’t turn heel, I’m going to headbutt my TV! His character is boring the shit out of everyone in ‘the know’… those who are just marks chant for the guy because he’s a big name… it splits opinion but it’s bad for the WWE in the long run. A heel turn would take things to another level and a conniving, ruthless, heel John Cena may even become an ‘internet darling’ again (I fucking hate that term!)……
             
             
             

          • Micky

             @Memphis Merlin Disagree with you in a way… because the Rock’s been gone for SO LONG, it’s just awesome to see him again. I know it’s pretty much the same shit as he was doing 10 years ago, but NO ONE does it better! I gotta admit… I rarely get GENUINELY excited when watching wrestling anymore, but when the Rock is in promo-mode I mark out like a little kid! We all know he’s back to Hollywood after WM so I’m just enjoying it while I can.
            As for Cena… I’ve been seriously impressed with his stuff lately. Not in the ring, it’s always the same crap in the ring and it has been the same crap on the microphone until recently, which is why everyone is bored of ULTRA BABY FACE John Cena at the moment…. it’s OLD. His recent Rock rebuttals have been top notch, but after Mania if he doesn’t turn heel, I’m going to headbutt my TV! His character is boring the shit out of everyone in ‘the know’… those who are just marks chant for the guy because he’s a big name… it splits opinion but it’s bad for the WWE in the long run. A heel turn would take things to another level and a conniving, ruthless, heel John Cena may even become an ‘internet darling’ again (I fucking hate that term!)……
             
             
             

        • McLovin

           @Micky I got NO problem with Rocky, none at all. Well, other than the fact that his ‘Concert’  (am i doing it right ? ) was filled with super corny stuff, mom jokes and same old catchphrases. But dude, give some credit to Cena. He’s doing the best he can with this PG superCena gimmick that WWE is forcing him to do. If Cena will be allowed to do some edgy stuff, I’ll bet he can at level with CM Punk in promo department. That’s just what i think.

      • Micky

        ‘Ang on…. Did you vote for TEAM PLUM or TEAM MICK? Sorry man, my shizomania is playing up again… if you’re on PLUM’S team it looks like a handicap match (which means I get to use a crutch as a weapon) @McLovin 
         
         
         

      • Micky

        ‘Ang on…. Did you vote for TEAM PLUM or TEAM MICK? Sorry man, my shizomania is playing up again… if you’re on PLUM’S team it looks like a handicap match (which means I get to use a crutch as a weapon) @McLovin 
         
         
         

    • McLovin

      This is the bestestest shiz EVAR. I Love it. 
      And I’m rooting for team Jama……oops….. team Shaun ( wink wink ). He tries to bring in new columnists, but they just doesn’t stick, and it’s a shame. Back in 06-07, there were some 6-7 regular writers. And now we’re left with just two.
      And btw, what’s you’re problem with Cena ? I get that you’re an old Rock fan, I am too. I had an orgasm when he returned last Feb. But CENA OWNED ROCK for three straight weeks. This shows that Cena can be just as good as The Rock. I’m rooting for Cena to win at Mania and then a heel turn post mania.

    • Micky

      I SPELT MY NAME WRONG! This means I am an asshole and I deserve to die x

    • Micky

      I SPELT MY NAME WRONG! This means I am an asshole and I deserve to die x

      • McLovin

         @Micky Spelt your name wrong – true
        Your an asshole – true
        You deserve to die – true
        BUT………………………
        but……
        Wait, what were we talking about, again ??? :)

        • Micky

           @McLovin a rhombus is a quadrilateral bipyramid….. no wait…. the capital of Slovakia is Bratislava…. no wait…. I deserve to die? Yeah, that’s the one…. if only I had a noose :(

        • Micky

           @McLovin a rhombus is a quadrilateral bipyramid….. no wait…. the capital of Slovakia is Bratislava…. no wait…. I deserve to die? Yeah, that’s the one…. if only I had a noose :(

      • McLovin

         @Micky Spelt your name wrong – true
        Your an asshole – true
        You deserve to die – true
        BUT………………………
        but……
        Wait, what were we talking about, again ??? :)

     






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