Welcome to the first column I’ve posted in a long time. Please, take a seat and get comfortable.
Now I know I haven’t been around in awhile – and I know I’ve never sent you a birthday card since ditching your mom all those years ago… hey when is your birthday?
Shit… What was my point? Oh yeah, ummm… can you spare £50 so I can chip in to buy some coke with this
hooker your new momma please, son?
Did you enjoy that paragraph of non-wrestling nonsense? Yes? No? Vote NOW! Members of the TWNP universe please to log into your Twitter account RIGHT NOW(!!!) and type in #getyourdumbasspointlessvoicekindasortaheard
RAW 1,000 and the weeks leading up to it were actually pretty good, I admit. It left me with a lot of optimism in that things are heading the right way. Summerslam isn’t far away and at the time it seemed like they were building up to something really special, but as time goes by you kind of realise that apart from CM Punk, Daniel Bryan and the occaisional Brock/Rock appearance it’s just, well… THE SAME OLD SHIT!
As far as Punk goes, the heel turn is a smart move! He’s reached almost god-like status amongst the fans in such a short space of time that in my opinion he could eventually be as big as Stone Cold Steve Austin. Bold claim, admittedly! But he really is that good – not just on the mike and with his work in the ring, but his mannerisms, his likeability and intelligence, just his general demeanour – simply put, he is cool and people dig that. So even if he turns “ultra heel”, he will still have a massive fan-base and if he is kept at true main-event status constantly in the hunt for the WWE title or wearing it (and it really looks like he is) then he will always attract huge interest. If I could put it into one sentence it would be…. CM will NEVER be boring.
Like the song says – he’s a cult of personality! The WWE usually know when they’re onto a cash-cow and CM Punk’s merchandise is flying off the shelf faster than medicinal marijuana. Surely they can’t drop the ball on this one?!
As for Daniel Bryan – I’ve heard people criticise the Charlie Sheen feud… and what I have to say to these people is… are you fucking stupid? Charlie Sheen – Hollywood mega-star known worldwide, Daniel Bryan – WWE performer who is pretty much unknown outside of the wrestling scene. This “showdown” at Summerslam will make WORLDWIDE news! It will propel Daniel Bryan into a position in the WWE where CM Punk is right now. A position where the fans simply will not ALLOW Daniel Bryan to be out of the main event picture. It may seem pointless, but it’s made for some funny scenes and now we have “NO! NO! NO!”. Hmmm, maybe those two examples are pointless! But what isn’t pointless is that Daniel Bryan will be facing Kane at Summerslam, and I would literally bet my penis on Charlie Sheen showing up to cost Bryan the match.
This will make mainstream world news – Television, Newspapers, Radio – mainstream news! Not the kind of shitty ‘news’ you see underneath these ‘super-cool’ ‘columns’. (I love inverted commas)
Already Daniel Bryan has sold a shed load of “YES!” and “NO!” merchandise, surely Charlie Sheen is going to keep calling him “Goatface”… then something else, more insults, etc. It’s a money-spinner, and as already mentioned, Vince knows a cash-cow when he sees one!
Other specks of light – Dolph Ziggler as Mr Money in the Bank? It’s about damn time! So much talent, he really is one of a kind. I hope they don’t fuck him over like last time.
Prime Time Players with A.W – Very unorthodox with the manager outside using a mike, but that A.W is funny as shit! Plus these guys are a TRUE tag-team. Not just a couple of mid-carders randomly lumped together so that they have belts on them like Truth and Kingston.
DO YOU AGREE WITH ANY OF THE ABOVE? DO YOU THINK I HAVE HEPATITIS? WHERE’S MY £50 THAT HOOKER IS GETTING ANGRY? VOTE NOW! #FUCKINGSTUPID
I am suh-hee-ree-uss-ly getting PISSED OFF at the Twitter, Touting and general Social Media foolery that is being rammed up our nostrils every 5 minutes. Get a grip! Are the creative team so out of ideas, that they need to count on us to book their matches for them? Surely not.
This is just a cheap ploy to make teenagers and impressionable disabled people feel like they are part of the show. Did it really matter if CM Punk faced the Miz, Kane or Rey Mysterio this past week? No, because there was no storyline development involved with either 3 wrestlers. Did it matter what type of match Daniel Bryan and Sheamus had last week? No, because the choices to pick from were all just “No DQ” matches with different names attached to them, like “No Holds Barred” and “Street Fight” etc.
Don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying AJ isn’t good as GM – in fact she’s the most charismatic and unconventional GM I’ve seen in a while (plus she’s hot as shit). But whoever took the GM spot would’ve been written into this Social Media crap.
And now we have Touting? What the fuck? That’s just Youtube-in-15seconds. Plus I think it’s totally gay, and here’s why;
WARNING! THIS GUY IS HORRIFICALLY LAME AND I SUGGEST YOU ONLY WATCH THE FIRST 30 SECONDS
Wow. Now if that isn’t categorical proof that “wrasslin” fans should be unseen and unheard then I don’t know what is. Tout? Get rid of the shit right now – all it does is give fake-ass Eminem-looking motherfucker’s a platform to make themselves look even more faggy.
“Make our matches on Twitter” – “what do you think of the match you just made?” – “do you have an opinion on what someone just Touted about the match?”
WRITE YOUR OWN FUCKING SHOW, LEAVE US ALONE!
DO YOU AGREE WITH MY THOUGHTS ON “RAW IS YOU!” – WELL? VOTE NOW! YOU CAN VOTE ON ANYTHING BY TYPING IN HASH TAG HASH TAG HASH TAG RAW HASH TAG WHY IS THIS RELEVANT HASH TAG I DON’T FUCKING KNOW THIS IS NOT MAKING SENSE #MICK
Mick notice a lot of you talking about TNA. Mick not like TNA. Mick check out 1 TNA show and Mick want to wipe ass with plasma screen. Here’s why;
It was like watching WCW Mach Minus -15. And you like this crap? Fair enough if the matches were any good, but they just aren’t, they’re terrible!
WHY DO YOU ENJOY THIS BULLSHIT?! WHY IS THIS BETTER THAN WWE? VOTE NOW(!!!) #PLEASEDIEHULKHOGAN
And that’s it from me today, lot’s of voting probably going on right now, it’s got me AMPED DUDES! The fact that we are ALL joining in matrimony to VOTE TOGETHER is like sticky heroin being pumped into our collective eyeballs.
Much love to all.
Apart from the ones of you who like TNA.
And the ones of you who don’t.
Let me re-phrase that;
Am I being too harsh? Too candid? Too vile? VOTE RIGHT FUCKING NOW! #THEEND