| Times, they are a changin’. Man, am I a sick of that a sayin. However, in my short 25 years, it rings very true. From video games, to music, fashion, television, and technology, things have altered at a rapid rate. Even professional wrestling has evolved, or devolved depending how you look at it, into sports entertainment. I was reading an article from ESPN’s Bill Simmons (I would be remiss not to mention him as an inspiration for the following column) on how great the year 2007 was for him as a Boston sports fan and how he wished he knew as a teen what he knows today. That got me thinking, wrestling today is nowhere near what was when I was an adolescent. From my 7th grade year alone, the landscape of the business went from on its ass, to as thriving as ever, to now somewhere in the middle. What if I knew what I know now? Although, I wasn’t quite checking emails back in 1995 (we didn’t dial up for another couple years), what would I currently say to a 12 year old Jonny F? So much has changed in 13 years, let’s see… Dear Jon, Put down your Super Nintendo controller, stop saving your money for the Sega Saturn, and put WCW Saturday Night on mute for a minute and read this letter. It is the year 2008 and life is totally different. Ah, I know your love of all things wrestling is being tried with the all-Doink Survivor Series match and WCW rehashing old Hogan enemies. Things aren’t looking so hot, but very soon you won’t have to hide that you are still a wrestling fan. It will be bigger than pogs and Ninja Turtles combined. Hulk Hogan is going to turn into a bad guy with Razor Ramon and Diesel in WCW. The WWF will almost go out of business until there is something called the “Montreal Screwjob.” Bret Hart, one of the WWF’s biggest stars ever, quits for WCW, punches Vince in the face in real life and yet the WWF’s ratings get better than ever. The Ringmaster, formerly known as Stunning Steve Austin will be drinking beer, cursing tough guy and will be one of the prevalent stars in wrestling history. The Undertaker will become a “satanic-like” character that acts a magician, then he will become a biker, and then back to what you know him as now, all while improving wrestling-wise in the process and never lose at Wrestlemania. You know that movie you like, The Crow from last year? Yeah, that’s how Sting is going to look for a long while. He also won’t talk for a year. Oh, you know that little 13-inch TV that you watch wrestling on because your parents don’t want “that crap” on in the living room? Well you will be watching TV in high definition or HD which basically means you see such a clear picture you can see all the remaining hairs left on Shawn Michaels balding head (yes, he will starting losing hair shortly after his comeback, but that is another story altogether). You know how you sort of feel like a loser because you stay up until 2 or 3 am watching that weird ECW on the MSG Network? Well, they are going to become one of the most revolutionary forces in sports entertainment (oh you that’s what Vince McMahon makes us call wrestling in the future). ECW will continue to truck through the bingo halls, ballrooms, and armories and most of its talent and ideas will be stolen, often directly from the big leagues (note: don’t get excited when ECW finally gets a big-time TV deal in 1998 or 2006, will explain later). Speaking of the big leagues, WCW is looking to take over the WWF and things are looking like they just might, but don’t be fooled. Ever wonder when Ric Flair is going to retire? Me too, he is still going strong today and doesn’t seem like he wants to retire anytime soon. You can now get all the results, see who is jumping from what federation to the next, and find out about what is going on backstage on wrestling websites, like a constantly updated insider magazine. Everything is all at our fingertips like a 24/7 newspaper. You even post your opinions under the alias Luscious Jonny F (you weren’t even a big Johnny V fan, I still don’t get it) on one of these sites and have readers who reply to them (sometimes). Lastly, the big three (WWF, WCW, and ECW) will actually feud on-screen (what we’ve wanted to see for years!). This is a result of Vince McMahon winning the wrestling war and actually BUYING WCW. So with this purchase Vince owns the video library (which he has put on cable’s video On-Demand service along with the ECW, CWF, AWA, WCCW libraries) and copyrights. So WCW and ECW “invade” WWF…on Vince’s turf. Look, I know you are young, but honestly who do you think Vince is going to let win? You won’t really like the end result, although I’m sure you’re going to pee your pants just thinking about the prospect. While I’m sure the end result won’t be what you hoped, here are a few other things that are a bit unsettling in the near future… In 2002, the World Wrestling Federation will be sued by the World Wildlife Fund for the rights to the acronym WWF. Inexplicably, the organization you grew up loving for so many years will have to change its name to the WWE, forcing the old WWF logo from 1998-2002 (the heart of wrestling’s modern boom) to be blurred out of all subsequent broadcasts and prevent past, present, or future mentions of the old acronym. It sucks. You know that snobby newcomer, Hunter Heart Hemsley? Yes, that reject from WCW. Well, as the years go by, he will become best friends with Shawn Michaels, Razor Ramon, and Diesel (the latter two will leave for WCW to greater success under their real names), become a badass, become involved in a marriage angle with Vince McMahon’s daughter Stephanie, actually marry her, then have an abundance of power with her. Now deemed Triple H, he will become a double digit World Champion and have so much power backstage; he basically makes or breaks an individual. It sucks. WWE 24/7 (that On-Demand service I mentioned) doesn’t quite have all the rights to the cool music the original broadcasts once had. Some entrance songs are altered or generically replaced, ECW montages are ruined, and the greatest travesty of all…Saturday Night’s Main Event classic 80’s theme song “Obsession” by Animotion is missing as well. It sucks. The original ECW goes out of business in early 2001. In late 2004, WWE produces an awesome ECW DVD with many of the original players candidly speaking on how awesome the good old days were. The DVD does so well; it spawns 2 relatively successful PPVs. These spawn a weekly television show on the Sci-Fi network…in Vince’s non-extreme vision. It sucks. Wrestling develops an “attitude.” That’s right, the once family-friendly programs that we once knew, have developed quite the edge (not Adam Copeland, either, oh wait you don’t know him yet) over the years. So the scantily clad girls (think a sluttier Sunny times 10) are all over the programs. While that can be pleasing on the eyes at times, what is not is the transvestite, necrophylia, Viagra (a pill that gives old men boners)-on-a-pole match, miscarriages, castration, and an old women giving birth to a hand (it makes far less sense than it sounds). Sometimes funny, but often tasteless, even for me. It sucks. Wrestler deaths. So far the only ones you really know of are Adrian Adonis and the Von Erich boys. Unfortunately, it’s going to double and triple. A lot of it will have to do with drugs and the party lifestyle of the 80’s guys, some accidents, and some are tragedies you can’t even fathom. I won’t say who but brace yourself. Like the larger than life characters in the comics you will soon stop reading, not every story has a happy ending. It sucks. The Ultimate Warrior came back!!! To the WWF and then WCW!!! You were even there for the WCW one!! You blinked and he was gone quicker than you could say “The Renegade”. It sucked. Overall, I just listed some of the negatives that have occurred, but still in 2008 I wouldn’t trade it at all for the great things that happened. I often thought the golden era of Hulkamania (that’ll come back strong too) and the 80s was the peak of wrestling. I never would have believed that wrestling became as big as it did in the late 90s, it was awesome to see everything come full circle. Life isn’t that bad, the Yankees became the most successful and hated teams in the past 25 years, the Lakers won three NBA titles (with Shaq from that game you hate Shaq-fu), and all the New York Giants’ disappointments will be erased with the single greatest win ever in 2008. The current you still can’t get over it. Speaking of football, stick with the NFL for the best pro games, when you hear of the XFL, just laugh it off. So are things so awful? No, you’ve just gotten to complacent with wrestling’s production and quality getting perpetually better while setting expectations extremely high. Oh, and uh, please I know it’s starting to grow and may make you look older, but shave off that heinous mustache. Things may look bleak now, but you will get laid a lot faster without it, trust me. Life goes by quicker than you know, but you are about to live eras of wrestling few say they have, so just take it all in.
Yours truly,
2008 Jon P.S. – Start pointing to your crotch now, people will think it’s really cool in two years.
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