Hello again everyone in the TWNP Universe! I must say, I like WWE’s new term for its fans. Is it me, or is WWE a little late in catching on to the popularity of wrestling news boards, message boards and user communities? The "WWE Universe" appears to be their attempt to co-op this once fan generated network (that you and I are naturally a part of). Facebook for WWE, huh? Interesting concept, though I can’t say I’m surprised by it. You can say a lot of things about the WWE, but “bad at marketing” is definitely not one of them. Will I make a WWE Universe profile? No. Because I’m not 14 and I have a life.

Now I’d like to address an inquiry from the always insightful Mr. Luscious Johnny F. What’s with all the turgidity, you ask? Great question…
I, like many of my generation, am keen on video games. One of my favorite franchises is Metal Gear Solid. The main protagonist of MGS is Solid Snake. When I started Metal Gear Online, a third person online shooter bundled with MGS4, I had to choose a name for my online avatar. The Luscious one is absolutely correct when he points out that the preferred use of ‘turgid’ is ‘swollen; distended; tumid,’ which are all synonyms for ‘hard’ or ‘solid.’ Thus, Turgid Worm is my attempt at a clever allusion to Solid Snake. Both names are of course thinly veiled references to the phallic image. Basically, the theme of my column is one big d!ck joke. No. Not one big d!ck joke, but one big joke that is about d!cks (I expect some of you might be questioning the accuracy of the previous statement about me not being 14… I swear it. I’m not 14. Seriously.)

After deciding Turgid Worm would be a suitable pen name, I extended (ha!) the metaphor to make ‘turgid’ mean anything that was “good,” “solid,” or “well done.” Therefore, when I say “Turgid Is as Turgid Does,” I intend to mean “what can be done to make this segment/storyline/character more turgid,” or, simply, “how does this sh!t get good.” And there you have it: the master key to deciphering my convoluted lexicon. Welcome to my world.

Let’s get to business…

Turgid Worm’s RAW Impressions:

I must say, Randy Orton’s opening promo might be one of the best he’s ever done. Hearing him say “the WWE needs me more than I need the WWE” brings me back to the days when some guys from the WWE and WCW used to toy with subtle references to non-kayfabe events. Back in 1997, saying stuff like “I’m going to send you back down South” is what HBK, and the original DX, such bad-a$$es; and calling out the announcer who everyone secretly knew was the boss is what Stone Cold the unpredictable Rattlesnake. I also love seeing Orton play the bully and boss people around. It is the natural progression from the snotty, arrogant punk to the still self –absorbed yet proven and powerful super-heel. I am really liking Orton’s work in this angle. By the way, when the crowd was chanting “you suck,” who where they talking to? Orton, the a-hole, or Adamle, the doofus?

Turgid Is As Turgid Does: I am so with Trev Winters when he says “put him together with Priceless and Manu.” For me, the way to work this angle is put Orton as the head of this new monster heel stable. Orton is to the D.N.A. (Dawn of the New Age; that’s my name for them, I just think it rolls off the tongue a little better than Legendary Legacies, but that’s just me) as Ric Flair is to the Four Horsemen. Give this team of four some kind of human accessories, like a manager or a couple valets, and just allow them to dominate for a few months. Let them hold titles and steal matches. Let it really build and you’d finally have some really compelling programs for Batista, HBK, Punk, Rey and others to get involved in.

Speaking of the D.N.A., man was I excited to see RAW put on a stellar tag team match for the second week in a row. The Priceless vs. Kofi and Punk match was simply phenomenal. A lot of action, some good, technical chain wrestling, and one of the hottest clean finishes I’ve seen in a long time, TV or PPV. Unfortunately, there were a couple minor botches in the middle of the match. These probably had to do with the pace that these guys, especially Priceless and Kingston, work their matches. They are non-stop all segment long. These young guys look like they need to figure out ways to calm down the pace of a match with out letting it drag or making people lose interest. I think that towards the middle, these guys were just getting tired and were running out of ideas. They progressed towards the end of the match nicely though, and the CM Punk finish was just breathtaking.

Turgid Is As Turgid Does: Sure. Why not? Toss the tag-titles between Kingston/Punk, Priceless, and Miz/Morrison for a while. Hell, I’d put the titles on Rey/Borne or even Kane/Henry for a time or two. The WWE’s tag division(s) is as active and robust as it has ever been in the past 10 years. Keep it coming, I’m loving it. Once D.N.A. officially forms, let them hold the titles for a while though, just to add to their monster-heel stable heat. (If all these column writer Orton/Priceless marks keep assuming the 3rd generation stable is going to happen any day now, do you think the WWE might bag the idea to keep us guessing? Ah, who cares… all I know is that those guys have the potential to turn
things up a notch in the WWE in a big way.)

If you read my column last week, you may have noticed how displeased I was with the way they used Charlie Haas. This week, however, RAW writers really out did themselves, effectively burying Haas (probably forever), Santino Marella, the three “legends” Honky Tonk Man, Dustin Rhoades, and Roddy Piper, Beth Phoenix, and the Intercontinental Title. I know that sounds extreme, but think about it: what kind of selling power does Charlie Haas have anymore? If you put Piper, Honky Tonk, Goldust, or Santino’s name on a marquee, what kind of buy rate do you think that would generate? I say, if you can’t find real, compelling storylines to use legends in, then don’t call them up in the first place. They are just scraping the bottom of the barrel with this segment. I wish I could fast forward to a show in the future where Santino is being used properly. And I understand that RAW writers are probably being instructed to write some comic relief into the TV show, but it just saddens me to see talented guys like Charlie Haas get buried for it. I mean, first you have him enter the ring dressed like a girl. Then you don’t even have him wrestle, just get squashed by Santino. Then Santino gets killed by the Honky Tonk Man? How do you rebuild Charlie Haas or the IC title after this?

Turgid Is As Turgid Does: Fire the writers who wrote this garbage. Send Piper, Goldust, and Honky Tonk home and delete their numbers from your phone. Give Haas a long promo segment for him to say he’s tired of being laughed at and now he’s going to kick everybody’s a$$. Have a one night tournament to decide the IC number 1 contender, pitting great talents like Punk, Kofi, Morrison, Paul London, Borne, Rhoades, DiBiase, etc. against each other and have Haas either come out on top and just take Santino to school for the title, or work some feud between Santino and Haas out of the tournament and put the belt on someone else. This angle needs defibrillators before the IC goes the way of the Cruiserweight title.

Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, RAW returns with another just great match. Evan Bourne is just phenomenal. Rey is just as exciting as ever. By the way, what were people looking at in the crowd during this match? I guess I’ll wait for a live report on this website. There was one very conspicuous botch from Rey towards the end of the match, but these guys recovered from it so smoothly that I’m questioning that it was a botch. Do people actually tune out during this and in favor of Kane-Rey soap opera drama? I would hope not. I would also hope this Kane-Rey feud be over by now. I guess we’ll see Rey and Bourne take on Kane and Henry sometime in the near future. This idea is not entirely Turgid but at least it doesn’t involve the Honky Tonk Man. I guess it will be entertaining.

Turgid Is As Turgid Does: As far as the Bourne-Rey match went, all I can say is: more, more, more. I would say it is about time for Kane and Rey move on to a different program.
I have no interest in John Cena.

Batista. What can I say about Batista. I see why they made him champion again. He simply fits the archetypal profile the WWE looks for. To me, though, the simple matter of fact is that Batista on his own could not carry match, much less a show. Why? He has very little to no natural charisma. I mean, his interview with Michale Cole was like eating sand, hard and utterly flavorless. Going along with that, it is painfully obvious to me that every step he takes in the ring is sooo learned, so thought over. Every move he performs is so heavily cradled that he has no explosive power of any immediate impression. He doesn’t have the ability to make people jump from their seats in one quick burst. He has no real athletic strength, just a purely aesthetic/cosmetic body-builder’s physique with no physical effectiveness. I mean, have you noticed how slow he is in the ring and how quickly he loses steam when he wrestles? Have you noticed that his opponent literally leap into his arms when he performs his big spine buster? And that is why it is so difficult to watch him, because all the WWE does is put him over for his incredible explosive power. They say he’s the animal, but he has no instincts. If Batista does anything well, it is sell, sell, sell. Sometimes I can’t tell if he’s trying to make his opponent look good or if he is just genuinely exhausted. He did make Jericho and JBL look very good in their show closer last night. I liked the finish to this match, but I can’t say I am ecstatic about Batista wearing the title.

Turgid Is As Turgid Does: I thought it was a much better idea to keep in on Jericho for a long time and let it build some major heat, eventually off loading the strap to either Cena (ew) or Punk. But that ship has sailed so I guess now you’ve got to make the most out of Batista. We’ll probably see Batista beat up on Jericho, JBL, and maybe Mark Henry in the coming months, most likely leading to some kind of Batista-Cena main event. I couldn’t care less about such a contest, but I don’t think I’m the prime demographic the WWE is shooting for with this angle (maybe if I was 14 perhaps). If I were writing the show, I’d put the strap back on a heel and let Punk take it after a long, drawn out feud. This would be the perfect time for Orton with his new stable behind him to begin his blood curdling rampage across RAW.

So that’s that. These are simply my opinions, take them as you will. I welcome any and all feedback so please write in with your reactions/comments. Again, thank you for reading and remember: if its worth doing, its worth doing with turgidity.

Peace