But first, my “The Wrestler” review:

I was fortunate enough to visit a good friend in New York this New Years, and while we were in town together we decided to go catch “The Wrestler” on New Years Day, as the film is in limited release and I wouldn’t have been able to see it outside the city. So we headed into the lower east side to a trendy (I could tell by all the hipsters gallivanting around) little indy-film theatre. We arrived at about 6:40pm for a 6:45pm showing. At the MegaPlex in Suburbantown, that would have been enough time, but when we arrived to this theatre we found a line about 100 feet long. The cool thing was that we got the impression that most of the crowd was there for “The Wrestler.” We overheard almost every group or couple that passed us coming from the theatre talking about “The Wrestler.” By the time we got our tickets, the 6:45pm show had already started so we bought tickets for the 7:30pm showing and headed to a nearby bar to wait. We got to the 7:30pm showing with plenty of time to pick up some popcorn and candy, but the time we actually entered the theatre, it was so packed that the only three empty seats together were in the very front row to the far right of the section. So I watched “Mickey Rourke’s rebirth” with my neck crooked like an inquisitive bird. From that perspective, here’s what I thought of the film:

“The Wrestler” is truly an original and innovative film. Darren Aronofsky uses unique camera angles to tell a heart breaking story of obsession that is both miraculously acted and well written. The overall feel of the film is that of overwhelming realism. Having not ever experienced an indy wrestling show from a wrestler’s or other backstage person’s perspective, “The Wrestler” seems to express the real deal. Aronofsky achieves this unrelenting realism by filming most of the wrestling scenes at a real show. The other wrestlers are real guys (including Ernest “the Cat” Miller, Ron “the Truth” Killings, Nigel McGiunness, Necro Butcher, Austin Aries, the Blue Meanie, Claudio Castagnoli, Bobby Dempsey, to name some), the crowd is real (look up the fan footage of the live events where they shot scenes on YouTube), and most impressively, the wrestling is real (well, you know). The hardcore match Randy “The Ram” Robinson competes in mid-way through the film is as brutal as any I’ve seen, and the way its shot makes it even more shocking. The truly provoking part, however, is after the match, backstage, when all the thumbtacks, staples, and shards of glass are being picked out of The Ram’s back, and he’s heaving with pain. As gruesome it is to watch the physical self destruction The Ram undergoes for his life’s obsession, the emotional self-destruction that obsession inflicts on everyone around him, including himself, is almost more difficult to watch. [SPOILER ALERT: If you have not seen the film and wish to remain ignorant of the story, please skip to the next paragraph.] The Ram’s life as a wrestler has left him broke, homeless, drug and alcohol addicted, estranged from his daughter, and utterly alone. Despite all this, The Ram seems generally upbeat and enthused when he arrives at the wrestling arena, happily greeting the boys who revere him as a legend and call him “sir.” One gets the feeling from this film that all the wrestlers are just as obsessed with the lifestyle and notoriety of pro-wrestling as The Ram is, and to reap the emotional reward (the crowd response that directly feeds the blindly gluttonous ego) the wrestlers must willingly self mutilate, a.k.a., wrestle a match. Yes. In my view, “The Wreslter” makes wrestlers (at least indy wrestlers) appear to be a community of mutually congratulatory self mutilators, and wrestling the public display of this cathartic exercise that is both encouraged and celebrated by an empathizing audience. Given, “The Wrestler” does not depict the lives of Shawn Michaels, Ric Flair, Undertaker, or anyone else in the WWE locker room. It is important to be mindful that “The Wrestler” shows the world surrounding indy wrestling, not the big leagues of the WWE who’s employees are maybe working for an impressive paycheck just as much if not more than they are working for their ego. But in the world where “The Wrestler” takes place, it is obvious that obsession, self alteration, and self validation are indeed these wrestlers’ primary motivations. This is why The Ram can’t retire after he collapses from a life threatening heart attack. This is why he can’t establish a real, normal relationship with his daughter, or a romantic relationship with his stripper friend. He simply can’t stay out of the ring, and time and time again he breaks the hearts of everyone in his life because of it. For those of you who have seen the film [BIG SPOILER] what do you think happens at the end of the film? In my opinion, it is obvious that the Ram dies upon landing off the top rope, because he it is apparent to me that he suffers from another heart attack during the match, just after having bi-pass surgery, and because he simply has nothing else to live for. Others say that he wins the match and continues his transient existence indefinitely. Either way, “The Wrestler” is a deep and darkly engrossing film. I got really into it (as you might be able to tell) and I recommend that you do to.

Now I’d like to move on to discuss some of the storylines and general goings on in the WWE. So Christian Cage is apparently on his way and I must say that I’m pretty excited by this. Ever since the WWE’s buy out of WCW, there haven’t been too many big “jumps,” or moves by a wrestler or group of wrestlers from one show to another. This makes Cage’s jump a big deal to me and many other wrestling fans. Injecting him into a program with the “Fortune’s Fool” Jeff Hardy, especially with an angle like we’ve heard talked about, with Cage being secretly responsible for the attack at Survivor Series and an automobile assault injuring Hardy’s fiancé to be revealed in the coming weeks. I just hope this big jump, storyline, and resulting fiery feud will translate to some badly needed ratings for Smackdown.

So the Royal Rumble is just around the corner, and the participants announced so far are Triple H, Vladimir Kozlov, Big Show, Shelton Benjamin, Undertaker, Randy Orton, Chris Jericho, Kofi Kingston, and Rey Mysterio. The Royal Rumble is year-in/year-out one of my favorite WWE PPV’s. It marks the beginning of what has truly become a WrestleMania season (like Thanksgiving is to Christmas), and is endowed by a rich history of quasi-statistics. I like to look at the history of the Rumble, its winners, their number of entry, and try to predict the winner and the storyline that will be built around the event. If you look at the record, the majority of Rumble winners have entered somewhere within the last 10. With 21 Rumbles and 22 winners (both Bret Hart and Lex Luger were declared winner of the 1994 Royal Rumble) 15 of those winners have entered with a number 22 or higher. Ironically though, 6 of the 7 remaining winners have drawn numbers 5 or lower. In fact, the only participant to win the Rumble with a mid-range entrance number was HBK during his second Rumble win in 1996 with number 18. Speaking of multiple wins, the only wrestlers ever to win more than one Royal Rumble are Hulk Hogan (1990, 1991), Shawn Michaels (1995, 1996), and Steve Austin (1997, 1998, 2001). So now I’ll make some early predictions. As much as I know Triple H would love to add his name to that list of multiple Rumble winners (he’s already got one from 2002), and probably has the backstage leverage to do so, I am not betting on Triple H to win the Royal Rumble. Based on who’s already been announced as participating in this year’s match, I would have to say that I see Randy Orton pulling out the victory. Randy is currently poised to be bigger than he already is, and winning the Rumble and headlining WrestleMania is something he’s ready for. For a Smackdown guy, I see a possible Undertaker repeat or maybe a returning Ken Kennedy to win the match and go on to face Edge at WrestleMania (with Hardy losing the strap via interference from Christian, of course). What are your thoughts? What are some of your early predictions? I’ll likely change mine as the weeks go on. Either way, I’m as excited as always for the Royal Rumble.

So this morning I see a post stating that Low Ki (or Senshi, as he’s known in TNA) recently appeared and performed at an FCW event. FCW is, of course, a WWE farm league. I must say, the prospect of Low Ki, who has got to be one of the most entertaining and innovative performers in all the non-WWE wrestling world, entering the WWE is really exciting. However, with the WWE dropping their Cruiserweight division last year, there’s really no place for Low Ki on the WWE roster. Vince, I’m sure, just sees him as another average sized wrestler with little ratings potential. I believe D Ray Morton made this point in his last column, but Cruiserweight divisions, while adding some excitement to the WCW in the ‘90s that helped it to compete with WWE, rarely ever boost ratings directly. I, personally, would love to see guys like Jamie Noble, Rey Mysterio, Kofi Kingston, Hurricane Helms, Jeff Hardy, Brian Kendrick, Evan Bourne, Chavo Guererro, and possible CM Punk able to compete for another mid-card title like a Cruiserweight title. Cruiserweights can also compete outside of the weight division, and having that title would create a place for Paul London and Supercrazy to shine instead of cutting them loose because of RAW’s writer’s block. It would definitely be an improvement over this second women’s title they added to Smackdown. While the women of the WWE are generally getting better at wrestling, their time on WWE programming is still largely T and A time. Call me a wrestling purist, but I’m going to say this loud and clear: “Bring back the Cruiserweights!”

Let’s get on with it…

Turgid Worm’s RAW Impressions:

This Monday was the first RAW of the new year and I must say, for the most part I am pleased with the storylines going in to 2009. You’ve got a terrific angle/feud-in-the-making with HBK and JBL, you’ve got Jericho and Orton aggressively pursuing the WWE championship, you’ve got Orton on the verge of taking over the WWE with the formation of an elite group of young WWE legacies, you’ve got tournament winner CM Punk facing off against William Regal for the hotly contested IC title, you’ve got two of the best young mic workers in the WWE, Miz and Morrison, fending off challenges to their tag-titles by the likes of Rey Mysterio and Kofi Kingston and Cryme Tyme, and there hasn’t been a Charlie Haas (or should I say Haas Hogan, or Macho Haas, or Hitman Haas) sighting this year yet. On the other hand, however, you’ve got some dumb angle involving Kane and Kelly Kelly and a stupid rehashing of Micky James’ debut gimmick matching Rosa with Santino and Beth Pheonix. But with the WWE you’ve got to take the good with the bad, and as far as I’m concerned, RAW right now is just about as good as its going to get.

So we start the night off with Orton and Jericho complaining that HBK and JBL cheated by cooperating somewhat in the four-man elimination number one contenders match from last week. This angle just has all the elements for me. Four guys who can all work the mic well, three slimy, underhanded heels trying to one up each other in their pursuit of super-face’s title, and the classic icon baby-face superstar HBK caught in the middle, playing the American everyman role, forced to do JBL’s bidding. This is a good angle with a good mix of competition over title and personal tension.
Turgid is As Turgid Does: My only problem with the championship picture right now is that the title is on John Cena. I would be much happier if someone like Jack Swagger or CM Punk, someone who can actually wrestle, were in Cena’s spot. But being that Cena’s now the number 5 celebrity according to People’s magazine or some bull sh!t, the prospect of seeing Cena relegated to the FCW is unlikely. Either way, I would get the gorilla of TV, ASAP.

Now that Dustin Rhoades has returned semi-permanently as Goldust, I’m curious if the thought of pairing him with his younger brother Cody in some kind of angle has crossed the minds of any of the RAW writers. The mixed-tag match to start of RAW was okay, but all I could think about watching it was how good Beth Phoenix is, how awful Santino is, and how Goldust could be used in a much better way.
Turgid is As Turgid Does: Instead of having Goldust languish away in the lower mid-card, I would use him to help put over his brother and the rest of Orton’s select posse by having Dustin play the part of tortured Legacy recruit. I mean, to further establish themselves as despicable heels, Orton could “initiate” Cody into the Legacy by forcing him to brutally attack Goldust. Or, you could have Dustin Rhoades play himself as wanting to be part of Legacy, and have Orton string him along making him do humiliating and dangerous things while being picked on and abused by Orton, Cody, and DiBiase until he’s finally kicked out of the Legacy for good in some brutal way. Either way, you have the potential here to use Dustin Rhoades in some capacity to put some great talent over, which would be better than what they’re using him for now which is just a cheap, nostalgia pop.

Pitting CM Punk against William Regal for the IC title, especially after having CM Punk win a qualifying tournament, is a really good pairing. Both these guys are skilled in-ring performers. They both have nice physical, aggressive, yet technically sound wrestling styles. Together they are capable of putting together one A+ match after another. This is a HUGE improvement than what was the IC title picture a few months ago when I wrote complaining about how Santino’s only challengers were three over-the-hill “legends.” The WWE has done a lot to reinstill prestige and respect to the IC title, which is likely due the fact that they’re trying to push the new DVD set. Either way, I’m happy about it. They’re match on Monday had a disappointing finish, but I can’t blame the WWE for trying to stretch this mini-feud out as long as they can.
Turgid is As Turgid Does: I would find another way for Regal to wriggle out some kind of defense that keeps him the strap. I would try to extend this title-feud up to the Royal Rumble, where they can put on a solid 20 minute classic with CM Punk eventually coming out on top.

So Manu and Sim Snuka are out of Orton’s “group”? RAW is taking this angle in an interesting direction, with Orton being very selective in choosing who gets to join his Legacy stable. With Orton already proclaiming that his new stable will out shine the likes of the Four Horsemen, DX, or Evolution is saying a lot and puts a lot of pressure on these young performers and writing team to make this angle work. I like the idea a lot and will be very interested to see how it develops. Nice, innovative new finishing move by Rhoades to win the match.
Turgid is As Turgid Does: I see the Legacy stable eventually being comprised of Randy Orton, Cody Rhoades, Ted DiBiase Jr., and Harry Smith. Rhoades and DiBiase will feud with Manu and Sim Snuka and may eventually trade tag titles back and forth. Harry Smith might battle CM Punk for the IC title, and Randy Orton will eventually become champion again with the group helping him steal it from Cena. For Orton to run his heel stable and have the group take up so much of the heel heat on the show, a void will have to be created by Jericho, JBL, or Miz/Morrison either jumping to Smackdown or turning face. Of the three it would most likely be Miz/Morrison. RAW is already a little heel heavy so for Orton to build a monster heel stable, there’ll have to be more of a need for heels on the show.

I love Miz and Morrison. These guys know how to perform on the mic and in the ring, and the WWE really needs more guys who can do both. Rey Mysterio and Kofi Kingston are a fun combo and are a great team to watch. I’m sure they’re phenomenal live. I can’t see why Trev Winters doesn’t love Kofi. He’s a terrific athlete and a keystone to RAW’s mid-card. In fact, Kingston reminds me of a younger AJ Styles in the TNA’s early days. The whole bit with Mike Knox is stupid, though. Building a feud by just having a wrestler attack another guy again and again for no reason is just lazy writing. What’s Mike Knox’s motivation?
Turgid is As Turgid Does: I can’t wait to see Kofi Kingston vs. CM Punk for the IC title sometime after the Rumble. I would definitely keep the belts on Miz and Morrison for a while, and allow sometime for a solid face team to emerge as contenders for the belts. And please, actually write a storyline for Mike Knox vs. Rey Mysterio. Maybe Mike Knox wants to make a statement in the company and has decided to end Rey’s career to do so. Maybe Mike Knox overheard Rey say that he’s a b!tch. Maybe he suspects Rey stole his ring attire. It doesn’t matter to me. The combination of the two seems fine, just make it work.

The main event on Monday was fairly good, and John Cena didn’t botch too badly, so the show went on without anyone vomiting from embarrassment. Great. I’ve already said how much I’m enjoying the JBL/HBK angle so I won’t go into again. One thing I would like to mention, though, is that I wonder what Jericho’s going to do now. He lost his rematch against Cena, JBL is next, and Orton seems like the natural next contender. So where does this leave Jericho? Battling for the IC title again? I hope not. I’d like to see him stay involved in the IC title picture in some way. Maybe he’ll semi retire from the ring and manage a big young heel. Or, maybe he’ll turn face and fight the Legacy. His role just seems up in the air right now.
Turgid is As Turgid Does: Please take John Cena off television.

So that’s my column for this go around. Remember, I appreciate any and all feedback. So whether you agree with me or think I’m a babbling moron, feel free to respond to anything in this article. Until next time, just remember… if its worth doing, its worth doing with turgidity!

Peace