|Column Posted by D Ray Morton on 3:21:05 PM Feb 1, 2009
This my response to an article put up on WWE.com saying why WrestleMania is better than the Super Bowl. Because, as we all know, WWE can’t let a day go by without sticking their 2 cents in about every single thing in the world. Hey, at least they aren’t offering jobs to Sen. Rod Blagojevich (zing, TNA!).
For those who don’t know the format. The WWE.com article is in regular letters. My responses are in italics. Lets get to it.
1. Better Trophies
The Vince Lombardi Trophy, which is basically a football on a stick, will sit on some shelf and collect dust for most of the year. A WWE Championship, on the other hand, is paraded around by the champ 24/7. Plus, the title itself is great for keeping pants up.
I wonder whats more respected in sports… a Super Bowl Trophy or a WWE Belt? Its good to see that the WWE has acknowledged publicly that their belt is nothing more than a prop. Vince Russo’s been saying it for years, so its about time the ‘E admit as much too.
2. Zero Commercials
The cost for a 30-second spot during Super Bowl XLIII? Three million dollars.
There is a commercial… the commercial for WWE Backlash. Plus there’s plent of feud video recaps that we’ve all seen on Raw. Plus long, boring entrances. Plus, I have to pay $50 to watch that commercial. Who’s the idiot, now?
3. Our Post-Game is Raw
For the wrestlers, That’s not a good thing, that’s a bad thing. Read Foley’s Hardcore Diaries about Edge getting burned then having to go out on Raw the next day without any time to recover.
4. Hallelujah! No Bob Costas
He’s not nearly as entertaining as the similarly-sized Hornswoggle, but he is much cleaner.
I beg to differ. Bob Costas vs Vince McMahon interview on his talk show was better than 75% of the dull crap on Raw.
5. Our former GM Actually Played in the NFL
Back in the day, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell was a sports star … at his high school in the ultra-rich suburb of Bronxville, NY. The man never played a single down in the pros. Say what you will about Mike Adamle’s time as Raw’s GM, but the man scrambled at running back for seven seasons with the Jets, Bears and Chiefs during the smashmouth 1970s. For that, he has our respect.
Respected so much that he had the shortest reign as GM in the company’s history! That’s respect! Oh, and, screwing up the talent’s name doesn’t hurt too. Besides, your former GMs have also been set on fire, had nude photos posted on the internet, been buried in a desert, had an addiction to painkillers which almost claimed their life, wiped his ass with the Canadian Flag and insulted millions of African-American fans by spray painting racist garbage on a wall. I don’t think the NFL has had any of those things, have they?
6. Hardys Trump Mannings
A big game match-up between Peyton and Eli would be an instant on-field classic. But figure they’d also appear in at least half of the commercials that night, and it’d add up to just too much Manning. Wouldn’t you rather see Matt and Jeff Hardy team up or face off? Well of course you would.
No. A thousand times, no. Tweedledumb and Tweedledrughead are a blackhole of charisma and a pair of broken down bodies.
7. Tickets for the Fans —Not Corporate Stooges
This year, Roger Goodell and the NFL have set aside a thousand Super Bowl tickets for fans. Face value? Five-hundred dollars a pop. Considering that Raymond James Stadium can hold up to 75,000 strong, the NFL is doling out a scant 1.3 percent of the total tickets. Good luck scoring one. Reliant Center can seat 71,000 fans and offers admission for as little as $40 per ticket. What’s the better value? You do the math.
Boy, I don’t know whats better, watching a predetermined match with a bunch of girls pretending to hate each other or a football game to determine who is the winner of the season. Yes, there are $40 tickets, but I was at WM 23 at Ford Field and paid $80 a ticket and needed binoculars (not joking – try holding a pair of binoculars to your eyes while cheering for someone getting speared, it feels like a bad acid trip) and because the speed of sound travels slower than light (vision) the 3 count came about a second after it hit. I could’ve had a better view and saved money if I stayed at home and ordered the PPV.
8. Bookmakers Need Not Apply
There is absolutely no chance Las Vegas has any undue say in the outcome of any of the matches at WrestleMania. We’re just saying.
There’s almost as many people on the booking committee as there are in Bookmakers in Vegas. Just saying…
9. Higher Standards
Wide receivers will go horizontal to catch a pass, but will they leap from a 16-foot high ladder to notch a TD?
If by higher standards, you mean act stupid? Harley Race made more money than Jeff Hardy and he never lept from a 16 foot high ladder. Same with Jack Briscoe. And Hulk Hogan. And so many others. I woud’ve used Flair, but at the end of his career, he was willing to do anything for a pop.
10. The Undertaker’s Streak
The Steel Curtain Pittsburgh teams took three Super Bowls in the 1970s, Dallas took three in the 1990s, and New England has dominated the new millennium with a trio of wins. If those franchises qualify as “dynasties,” then what do you call Undertaker’s streak of 16 wins and zero losses? Phenomenal.
Yes, nothing says GREAT PRODUCT like predictability…
11. Superior Fashion at WWE Hall of Fame Ceremony
Every summer in Canton, Ohio, the Pro Football Hall of Fame honors a select group of retired players … by making them wear ghastly cream-colored blazers. Honestly, they make that green jacket from the Masters Tournament look stylish. The WWE Hall of Fame ceremony, prior to ’Mania, has no such dress code … although black tie is preferred. All class.
I will admit that the ‘E makes a great point. Their HOF ceremonies are awesome. Kind of like MTV. Its not a REAL awards show, but its an awards show. Besides, a HOF run which doesn’t include some of the top names in wrestling (Thesz, Sammartino, Kowalski, Funk, Gorgeous George, Giant Baba, etc) is pure smoke screens and propaganda. How come there was no HOF ceremonies from 1998 – 2004? I guess those were the war years.
12. You Actually Watch IT with Fans
Remember the last Super Bowl party you attended? No? Probably because the guests (specifically your girlfriend or wife and her annoying friends) were more concerned with idle chitchat than gridiron action. Fact is, when ’Mania begins, fans are glued to the action.
Last year. The thrilling underdog upset win wasn’t riveting. As opposed to the heart-pounding action of JBL vs Finlay or Batista vs Umaga.
13. Helping H-Town
Ticketholders at the 25th Anniversary of WrestleMania are headed to the largest city in the Lone Star State. We don’t have to remind you about the hell that hurricanes wreaked on Houston in the summer of 2008. While in town, lend a helping hand to local charities, or at the very least crack open that wallet and help stimulate the local economy (we’ll show you where and how next issue). Now that’s patriotism!
No doubt, the WWE couldn’t wait to get this one in, as Houston was not chosen the site of Mania AFTER the tornados in late August and mid-September. It was chose before. However, Mother Nature (or Karma) touched down a hurricane and the ‘E exploited it. You didn’t see them go to New Orleans (or surrounding area) after Hurrican Katrina, did you?
14. Hotter Reporters
Sorry, Andrea Kramer. Although your sideline reporting skills are second only to Suzy Kolber’s, you’re no match for the stunning Eve Torres.
The headline should read: Our Reporters Pose In Playboy. I wonder how their gonna market this to the kids demographic? Will Little Johnny bring in the Spinny Belt and a picture of Kelly Kelly’s nipples to show and tell?
15. WrestleMania is Not Named After a Lame Children’s Toy
The Super Bowl took its name from a popular 1960s toy, the Super Ball. Lamar Hunt, owner of the Kansas City Chiefs and founder of the AFL, saw his children playing with the bouncy sphere, and the rest is history.
Because FootballMania was probably a little too dumb. Do you notice in the world of sports that their top series/game DOESN’T HAVE THE NAME OF THE SPORT IN IT. (The Stanley Cup Finals, the World Series, the Super Bowl, the World Cup). I guess its because they’re more respected.
16. No Two-Week Gap Between Regularly-Scheduled WWE events and ’Mania
The AFC and NFC Championship Games are both played on Sunday, Jan.18. Then fans must wait 14 days until Super Bowl Sunday. Meanwhile, the WWE Universe is treated to a full week of in-ring action prior to ’Mania. And 45 hours after SmackDown goes off the air on MyNetwork TV Friday night, WrestleMania begins. Plus, you’re sleeping through at least half of that span anyway.
Yeah, why are they wasting time between games, when they can put on 4+ hours of mediocre television each week! The ‘E has mediocrity down to a science! The NFL should learn to put crap on, as often as possible!
17. You Can Ogle Godaddy.Com Spokesbeauty, Candice Michelle, For More Than 30 Seconds
Actually, 30 seconds is all I can take of the bitch. If I had to watch a match or listen to her cluck like a chickenhead for more than that, I’d run head first into the television.
18. You Make The Call. Which Is Better?…
An NFL Field Goal kick or Shawn Michaels’ Superkick?
Shawn Michael’s superkick, as long as it’s a swerve.
19. The City Of Buffalo Could Use A Championship
The words “Norwood wide right” still send chills down the spines of Buffalo fans. The town hasn’t won big since the Bills took back-to-back AFL Championships in ’64 and ’65, and Buffalo hasn’t made a playoff appearance this century. That makes Nickel City native Beth Phoenix the best (and per-haps only) chance for the B-Lo to savor an actual championship victory. Jinx.
How’s this make WM better than the Superbowl. Besides, WM has never had an event in Buffalo (and probably never will). How come Montreal hasn’t had a Wrestlemania? Or North Dakota? Or Vermont? What kind of argument did I fall into? Who wrote this crap?
20. Freedom Of Choice
Chances are, your favorite team isn’t even playing in the Super Bowl. You’re lucky if they even made the playoffs. At WrestleMania, however, you’re guaranteed to see your favorite Superstars in action.
Also, You can damn sure bet that they don’t defend the Intercontinental Title at Mania either. At least in the Super Bowl, they lay it all on the line. Whats it been? Five years since the IC title has been up for grabs? So, even though your fave Superstar is in action, it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s in a good match. Oh and for those wondering, yes, I was the guy cheering for Kevin Thorn in section 302 at Ford Field. My fave Superstar WAS in action!
21. Fewer Blowouts
Of the first 43 Super Bowls, 21 have been won by 14 points or more. Total blowouts. Of the first 24 WrestleManias, 245 matches have been contested and only six of those bouts lasted less than a minute and can be considered squash matches. That’s value.
Instead, you get to sit through the agony of matches like this:
Melina (c) defeated Ashley Lumberjill match for the WWE Women's Championship
Match time: 03:13
Don’t forget the entrances and celebration and replays, people! That would put it up to 10 minutes, including a video recap of the feud!
Want more examples? Enjoy!
Test and Albert defeated Al Snow and Steve Blackman
Match time: 07:05
Trish Stratus defeated Christy Hemme
Match time: 04:11
22. No Injury Timeouts
When’s the last time you saw an NFL pro play through a broken collarbone?
When was the last time you’ve seen a headfirst fall from the top rope on live TV?
Candice Michelle Botch
She didn’t “play through it” either.
23. Spring Fever
After the Super Bowl, you can look forward to seven more bone-chilling weeks of winter before the thaw. After the 25th Anniversary of WrestleMania, which is on April 5, by the way, spring has already sprung. For those of you who live south of the equator, disregard this entry and enjoy your autumn.
Whats this? An attempt at humour? Is this a one man party or can anyone join? Let me try some attempt at humour too! After Wrestlemania you can look forward to seven weeks (or months) of offensive angles which includes JBL goose stepping and saluting Hitler, encase a human in a glass coffin and suffocate him in cement, rape a dead corpse, or, threaten to cut off your penis for having sex with another man’s wife. For those of you who are easily offended, disregard this entry.
24. Our Refs Pay The Price When They Screw Up
During week two of this NFL season, referee Ed Hochuli ruled Denver QB Jay Cutler’s fumble an incomplete pass. The Broncos won the game by a point. For his screw-up he received a “bad grade” from the league. When a WWE ref blows a call, you better believe the punishment is more severe…and meted out on the spot by the offended Superstar.
I know when I watch NFL, I expect a referee to be thrown head first into a cage, suffer a career-ending injury and then over the course of the next season, threaten to kill himself on national television. Anything less, would be uncivilized!
25. Rematches One Month Later
The Super Bowl loser has to wait until next season (nearly seven months!) for a shot at revenge. For the defeated at ’Mania, one last long shot opportunity presents itself a mere three weeks later at Backlash on April 26. How convenient.
PHENOMINAL! They’ve already started the promotion machine for Backlash! We’re about 90 days away from Backlash and already, the machine is work. So, whats the of ordering Wrestlemania for the top matches, if all we’re gonna see is a rematch on a much cheaper PPV and it’ll probably involve a stipulation!