There is no semblence of intelligent writing in this report. If you are looking for a writer with well thought out literary ideas and grammer, I suggest you go to Slam! to read a Greg Oliver article. If you want to read about food, visit a Dave Scherer article. If you want ramblings of an epic proportion, you came to the right place.

Normally, the rest of the writers on this site would recap what happened. Not me! Because I'm on a wrestling strike. That means, you won't be getting your wrestling news from this alcoholic. There's plenty of sites that cover fake wrestling news, so be sure to read their message boards for all the spoilers. I just piss and moan about how wrestling sucks and how the WWE is marketing violence to kids is wrong. I actually called WWE offices this morning (203-352-8600) and asked to put in a complaint and I was going to tear the guy who answered a new anus, but it went to a voice message box. The guy's name is Steve (or so he says), but Meethinks (homage to Meehan) there is no Steve and its a voice box that just lets crazy people rant. Well, I debated to rant about the stupidity of marketing violence (let alone blood) is asinine and irresponsible, but with the reach of the internet and caller ID, my name and crazy message would be all over the web. Personally, I have no problem with this, as long as its for financial gain. As in, my financial game. Why should another company leak my stuff, when I could do it myself? If any one knows how to record your own telephone calls, send me the info. I'd invest in it and make a bunch of calls to WWE and TNA and ROH (and to a lesser degree, IWA-MS and that bat-sh*t promoter known as Ian Rotten. I'd challenge him to a Taipei Death Match and show up with a bunch of Communists).

Anywho, I was watching old episodes of WWF and WCW thinking, I have no idea what to write about in my column this week. Then I saw this:

Yes, that is Mike Awesome wearing a mock back brace and making fun of wheel chair bound folks. Of course, this was WCW in 2000 and he was only doing the bidding of Vic Venom (Vince Russo for all you marks). I screen capture a picture of him from the same episode:

No photoshop there, kids. That sign does say, Vince Russo sleeps with goats. How cute. We need more signs like that. My suggestion for anyone going to a WWE event soon?

Vince MacMahon Has a Small P*nis.

Only, write the word P*nis. I can't, because my boss thinks its crass. Pen15. Enis with a P. Then write a bunch of sentences in small writing, that can't be read on TV, because the 'E will confiscate your sign. Maybe if there's a long enough diatribe, they'll forward it to Vince and he'll read your spiel and you'll be hired on as a Writer. Then, 2 months later, you'll get fired because Brian Gerwitz doesn't like you.

F*cking Brian Gerwitz.

I really miss her chest. I know women should be respected and what not, but I think they are completely worthless aside from their chests. Call me a chauvinist, but they only got the right to vote 75 years ago. Its not like they are a threat to the male species.

And while on the subject of women:

Mr. Hotty, you sir, are a tart.
How could anyone ever cheer this moron? He looks like he has a Dirty Sanchez on his face and he was pushing 40 and playing a 25 year old. I'd take pictures of the WORM for you stupid marks, but I'm afraid my head would implode from the stupidity. The sad part is that I capped that in the match he beat Dean Malenko for the European title. So, if you wonder why I drink so much, this pretty much makes it clear, Scotty 2 Hotty beat Dean Malenko for a singles title. Life is completely unfair.

Don't tell me that ain't the face of a killer. Don't stare directly into his eyes or he will devour your soul. Here we see, Eddie, Jericho and the formerly suicidal, genecial, Mad Cow Drinking Tim White, starring down to the Hell that contains the Canadian Crippler.

It always amazes me, how the 'E gets sponsors then they put on the most offensive programming, even when the ratings are in the crapper. I guess they'll take anyone and here's proof from one of their sponsors:

A guy who owns Vinnie's steakhouse, a no-name, redneck steakhouse in the backwoods sponsors Raw. Not exactly Coke, is it, fellas? By the way, if you're wondering, there's no relation to Ole or Arn. I'd include CW, but he never did anything important. If he was smart, he'd pull an Ole and scream a bunch of curse words into the camera and call Lex Luger a sack of sh*t. Which, I think we'd all love to do, if ever given a chance.

Edge goes a** to mouth. Lita is backstage, moist.

I feel like I'm time travelling with these jokes. I mean, the whole Edge/Lita thing was cool in 2005, so I know I'm a little behind the times. But thankfull, the WWE joins me by showing this graphic:

Yes sir, that is Mr. Bawataba himself, Kid Rock, appearing on Raw in May 2000. Yes, you read that right, NINE years ago, the 'E thought it would be awesome to have him perform for their fans. It worked so well, they decided to bring him back 9 years later, to join the Old and the Awful at RassleMania. So, lets see if I have this WM card right:

HBK vs Taker - Main Evented Royal Rumble 1998
Orton vs HHH - Main Evented Royal Rumble 2005
Cena vs Edge - Main Evented Backlash 2006

Midcard:
Matt Hardy vs Jeff Hardy - Mid Carded Vengeance 2001
Jericho vs Flair - Mid Carded Unforgiven 2002
JBL vs Mysterio - Main Evented Judgment Day 2006

Kid Rock Performs - Performed on WWE TV May 2000.

Does any one get this? Does anyone see what the hell is going on? Because its just about blowing my f*cking mind how this card has been done to death, already. How are people not firebombing the WWE offices out of anger? There is NOTHING NEW. The only argument is, well, people face each other on RAW every week. We're not talking about a STUPID weekly wrestling program. We're talking about feuds that have already happened and that have already been resolved and this is LAZY BOOKING. i have been saying since day 1, that I think WM is going to suck. All the other writers were saying, oh give it a chance. Give it a chance. Screw THAT. They gave it a chance and did nothing and look what they have. I've been the only guy on all of TWNP to say, this blows, this is not good. Now, suddenly, every one is changing their tune, saying oh, yeah, hey, I guess this isn't a good card. THIS IS WHY I HATE OTHER WRITERS. They have no balls to stand up and say something sucks. They have no guts to try to deal with real issues. Instead, like SHEEP, they wait. Well boys, you waited. Have fun with your stupid WeinerMania card, while I continue to voice real issues and concers and speak up!

Back to pictures, you rat bastards.

Here's a black man simulating sodomy on a white man, simulating sodomy on a mouse mascot. Truely a highlight of comedy.

Actually no, this would be the highlight of comedy:

A mock burial of Ric Flair. Only its his robe and an oversized novelty nose. One's gotta wonder, if Triple H was in WCW in 2000, would he have climbed into the coffin and performed necrophilia on the nose? Inquiring minds want to know.

And I can't miss an opportunity to scoff at the ultimate WCW travesty:

No, thats not Jimmy Hart. That is none other than Dangerous David Arquette! Mr. Muppets From Space, in the flesh. Pop in your copies of Airheads, cuz we're about to take a trip down memory lane!

Arquette won the belt by pinning Bischoff in the ultra-stupid Winner Take All Tag Team match, where someone has a singles title and it can be won by pinning anyone, in a tag match! That is widely known. What isn't known is.... what song played after David Arquette became the champion?

Well, look no further....

Yes, thats right. We're Not Gonna Take It, plays immediately following Arquette's win. Now, far be it for me to consider symbolism, but do you really think a song about being fed up with life is the best song to play. Didn't you think that a bunch of people would get fed up with your product? Especially after you crap all over a belt? Why not something simple like, We Are The Champions?
And also the ring gets flooded with garbage. Rightfully so.

So what does WCW do to hype David Arquette as the new champ, the following week? He goes to his movie set. And his wife, tells 'Snake' Kurt Russell that he is the WCW champion. Russell then proceeds to puts on his "I don't f*cking care" face. This is what it looks like:

3 million people feel the same way, Kurt. You're just lucky that you only act in the product. You don't have to actually watch it, like we do.

Stephanie was forced to watch the David Arquette title win match and this is what she looked like:

For those who may have guessed, that IS Stephanie MacMahon. Double chin and all! Mmm Beefy! There is no semblance of skinny there. This was a sign that her post-pregnancy days would be hefty. Welcome to chunky town. Population: Stephy! Sure, you can play the skin flute for all the protein you want, but those fat genes will creep up on you when you least expect it.