Lets get to it, ladies. Normally people write their predictions. Not me!
I'm going to say what I want to see at PoopaMania and if it doesn't happen, you can damn sure bet I will be f*cking livid and spitting at the TV. I'll also be extremely drunk so I'll be doing a drunk commentary column of my Mania thoughts AS IT HAPPENS. OOOOOO. Get stoked, because there will be plenty of F bombs and bad spelling. I guess it won't be too far off from my regular columns...

Money in the toilet
Christian better win. The whole MVP face turn is retarded. There are better ways to turn people face without burying them on a 5 month losing spree. He'll win, to make up for it. So Christian loses and I will drink 2 beers

Tag Team Unification
If Miz and Morrison lose, I will fist my cat, out of sheer anger (or pleasure if you're one of them perverts).
M&M are heads and tails above the worthless, idiot brothers. Carlito should've been sh*t-canned long ago because of his reported crap attitude and laziness in the ring. They brought in his stupid brother just to keep him happy. What an ungrateful Puerto Rican. Its like I'm playing EWR and I have to keep up the bastard's morale by hiring his worthless brother.

Miss Wrestlemania
Santino should win. But, Santino will look like a joke, get eliminated VERY early and Mae Young wins. Santino revives the Inter-Gender title and challenges Mae the next night on Raw. One can only hope. Or he challenges the hand she gave birth to and Santino gets jobbed to the Hand. The worst part, Vince would actually think this is a good idea.

Broken Down Midget vs Broken Down Redneck
If JBL were smart, he'd dig out his APA shirt, call Farooq and the 2 of them challenge Rey to a game of cards. Winner takes the IC title. The WWE has sh*t on the belt enough at WrestleMania, why break tradition. You haven't defended the belt in 7 years, so I say "F*ck it". Let them decide over a game of gin rummy. Or, break out the best beer this side of the confederacy and make a drinking game out of it. Hell, Rey probably carries a 26er of Tequilla in his gear bag, so he can bust that out. Its not like he's in the middle of a push or anything. Drink up boys. Because in 3 years, you'll probably be out of jobs and writing internet columns. You're lookin' at the future and it ain't pretty.

Y2J vs Grumpy Old Men
I plan to chug 3 beers to numb the pain that this feud/story has brought to me. Here's what I would suggest:
Jericho should slip all the WWE Legends a (real/shoot) horse tranquilizer in their drinks at the Hall of Fame for being put in such an insulting match. Then, he calls Sid Eudy, and has him attack all of them with a pair of scissors. Arn Anderson craps his pants, fearing a deja-vu and runs for the hills. Then, Vince books an impromptu match between Y2J and Rourke. Then NecroButcher attacks Rourke from behind for any number of kayfabe reasons (not enough money, no SAG card, being stuck under Rourke's glass ceiling in the movie). Necro & Y2K then go EXTREME on the OSCAR nominated "actor" and recreate the hardcore match from The Wrestler and blade Mickey so bad that it hits a 0.8 on The Muta Scale. Mickey no sells everything, making him hated by the crowd, while Jericho is cheered relentlessly and thus begins a double-turn. Jericho goes from heel to face and vice versa.

This is definitely the point where I know I will smash beer bottles. Its all a question of if I shank anyone with it.

Jeff vs Matt
THIS is where I shank someone with a beer bottle. I think these few words properly describe my feeling toward this match:

No care ever. Eat Aids.

Matt brings the Zzzzs and Jeff will flip off something high up. Maybe the top of the roof and he breaks his back and never wrestles again.

Its all a matter of guessing which stupid glow in the dark colors Jeff will smear on his nasty visage. Hopefully its whatever color that makes bears hungry and they maul him.

Cena vs Show vs Edge
Please be Edge. Pleaaaase be Edge. This is my column and I'll be as unbiased as much as I want. Please be Edge. It won't be Edge, so I will drink 2 more beers during this short match. I don't see it going any longer than 10 minutes. If you're keeping track, thats unofficially 7 but I expect it to hover around 10 at this point.

Taker/HBK
2 beers. Hopefully i'm sober enough to enjoy it.
Taker wins. Not because I want him to, but because its happening. I want to like this match, but it is BS how they have a rehashed 12 year old feud. I have said this for months. I won't like this match, because Hell In The Cell (1) is one of my favorite matches of all time. And I loved the Rumble 98 match. And I even dug their Ground Zero "match". So, whether Taker wins or not, no one really goes over, BECAUSE THEY ARE ALREADY LEGENDS WHO HAVE FOUGHT A BUNCH OF TIMES. IT'S F*CKING REDUNDANT. Its going to end up like this: HBK has a great match but Taker wins, thus putting "both people over" (which they already are). I would be tickled happy if this match sucks dog balls for any number of reasons (botched spots, bad timing or if the lights go out a la Divas @ WM24).

HHH vs Orton
Triple H better blow a quad or I'm gonna c*ckpunch every one in the room. This is not a MANIA match, because, as I've said before, this match could happen any other time during the year. It doesn't have a Mania build. Its just something some guy is doing to the other guy and it just so happens he recently won the title AND it happens to be Mania time. Orton's not out to have a Mania moment. He's not out for the chase. He's just being a dick and McMahons were in the way. At least during WM3, Andre got a puny trophy and got super pissed and beat the crap out of hogan and Hogan wanted to settle it on the grandest stage. So I don't care who wins. In fact, I'll probably be passed out/blacked out by this point because this match will need 5 beers (1 for the intros, 4 for the match). So I won't remember until I wake up tomorrow and log onto 411 for the results.

WrestleMania means different things to different people. To celebrate, some (like me) drink until they pass out, celebrating a year's worth of (awful) storylines and (absurd) outcomes. Some like to be sober while they pay their hard earned money to endure hours of torture. Whatever your preference, break out your favorite drink and enjoy this day, because after this, its 6 months of pure hell. Storylines will slow to a crawl. Stupid pushes shall be handed out, injuries will happen, McMahons will appear on TV and some how, Mark Henry shall continue to be gainfully employed. I swear, he's like a bad case of ghonnerhea that you just can't shake. He's been going for 12 years and I swear, if it doesn't end soon, I'm going to swallow a bottle of aspirins and ask them to wake me from the coma when he's fired/resigns.