WrestleMania 25 easily could have been one of the biggest and best shows in wrestling history. The landmark event, celebrating 25 years of the WWE’s dominance of the wrestling industry and its influence in mainstream pop-culture, had the potential for unparalleled greatness. Some of the WWE’s greatest stars of all time—HBK, Triple H, Undertaker, John Cena, Chris Jericho, Randy Orton—were all healthy and performing at high levels. There was renewed mainstream interest in wrestling with Mickey Rourke’s The Wrestler” garnering critical acclaim and Oscar nominations. The venue, Houston’s Reliant Stadium, could hold well over 70,000, and you knew the crowd was going to be hot. So, what happened? Why was WrestleMania such a disappointment?

Booking, booking, booking. Why would anyone want to watch the Big Show vs. John Cena vs. Edge? Certainly not because Cena exposed a secret affair between Show and Edge’s wife, General Manager Vickie Guerrero. If anyone was entertained by this storyline, then I feel bad for you. 25 Diva Battle Royal to crown the new Miss WrestleMania? Interesting idea, but my feelings about women’s wrestling haven’t changed: I watch wrestling to see grown men pretend to fight each other, not to watch grown women pretend to take each other’s clothes off. And the whole deal was used to get Santino over as a complete ass clown, which is I guess what you can call the WWE’s idea of “creative booking.” Randy Orton vs. Triple H? This feud did have a lot elements that made it engaging, with Triple H’s wife and in laws, the McMahons, getting dragged into the whole mess. But in the end, Triple H’s ego couldn’t let another man get over, the whole thing was a wash.

Lets break it down, match by match.

One bit of history that WreslteMania 25 did make was that it saw the burial of tage-team wrestling. The unification of the WWE Tag-Titles and the World Tag-Titles, which represent the WCW, and thus NWA’s, world tag championships, titles that were held by some of the greatest tag teams and most entertaining performers in wrestling’s history, was bumped off the PPV. I must say, one of the reasons I actually bought the WrestleMania PPV because I wanted to see this match, and it never happened (on my TV at least). Carlito and Primo are a terrific tag-team. They’re one of the best, and if anyone who actually watched one of their matches would tell you that. And I don’t even have to go into detail about how good Miz and Morrison are. But the match was left off the card. The fact that the unification match was left off the card essentially buries the practice. Why should anyone give a sh!t about it if its going to get bumped off the card. This was major disappointment number one.

The Money in the Bank Ladder match was a cluster f#ck of a spot fest that was as inevitably entertaining as watching girls’ jell-o wrestling at a frat party. Exciting? Yes. Entertaining? Yes. Trashy and kind of sad to watch? Absolutely. When Shelton Benjamin dives head first off a 20 foot ladder onto the concrete floor, only to lose his 6th MITB, it just makes one depressed. Yes we all love watching guys take huge bumps and dives in ladder matches, but an extended spot fest with no identifiable story, ring psychology, or strategy is not a wrestling match: it is a stunt circus. I’m glad to see that CM Punk will get another shot at a title, and likely another short lived reign as champ. Perhaps he’ll take a different route and start a program with new IC champ Rey Mysterio. Now that would be entertaining.

Next we had Kid Rock performing a medley of his songs from 12 years ago and today. Great. I enjoy watching rock and roll concerts. I would never pay to see Kid Rock, or ever buy one of his records, but I was modestly impressed by his show. That was fine. I would have preferred to see the Tag Title Unification match, but oh well. The Divas came out and Santino made an ass of himself. The funny part is that the announcers ever acknowledged it was Santino. They just kept saying "who is that ugly diva?" How ridiculous.

Then we saw the three legends, Roddy Piper, Jimmy Snuka, and Ricky Steamboat w/ Ric Flair as manager vs. Chris Jericho. I was impressed by the fact that there were no huge botches in this match. In fact I was pleasantly surprised to see Steamboat was actually capable of decent wrestling when it came down to him. Steamboat and Jericho were responsible for some of the best wrestling of the night. Then Flair got in the ring for a few seconds of glory, and then Jericho knocked him out with the code breaker. Then Jericho called out Mickey Rourke. The Mickey Rourke took an hour and half to get in the ring, and Jericho laid down for him. This was stupid.

Hardy vs. Hardy was not what I had expected it to be. Nothing but punch/kick wrestling and gimmick spots. Entertaining? Yes. A sublime wrestling performance? No. I talked this match up a lot over the last few weeks, believing, and hoping, it would steal the show. Deliver, it did. Exceed, it did not. Sick twist of fate with Jeff’s neck in the chair for Matt to pick up the win. And that was all.

Match of the night, and perhaps the saving grace of WrestleMania 25 was Shawn Michaels vs. the Undertaker. Breath taking spots, actual chain and counter wrestling, and several heart stopping false finishes, this match had it all. This match got more crowd response than either of the main events combined, or for anything else on the card for that matter. This match exists with the likes of Bret Hart vs. Stone Cold from WrestleMania 13, Angle vs. Benoit from WrestleMania 17, and Steamboat vs. Savage from WrestleMania 3 as one of the best in WrestleMania history. If you have to the buy the replay, or the DVD to do it, go watch this match as soon as you can. It may very well restore your faith in professional wrestling. Don’t watch the Cena vs. Edge vs. Big Show match, though, because that would make you miserable.

And so it did. Everything happened that we thought would happen. Edge inadvertently strikes his wife. Somebody sells a big “Big Show knockout punch,” Cena squats Big Show and Edge at the same time momentarily, and Cena walks away with the title for the who-gives-a-sh!t-number time. I was pleased by the amount of Cena hate in the crowd. I know its wrong to wish ill against people, but I hope Cena gets injured seriously, very soon. Eh, that’s a little harsh. I take it back.

Triple H vs. Randy Orton. Wow, what a disappointing match. No chain wrestling. Just punch/kick/bump. This was such a lackluster finish to the PPV, that I’m considering asking for my money back. Yes, I would have liked Orton to win the title with a grand statement of arrival to reign in the long lasting ‘age of Orton.’ But that didn’t happen. Orton and Triple H punched and kicked each other for about 10 minutes. Then Triple H punted Orton in the head. Then he hit him with the sledgehammer while the ref was out (quick question: has there ever been a Triple H main event without a ref bump?), then he punched Orton a little more, then he gave him the pedigree, and then everyone went home and wondered if they’re money was at all well spent. I will excuse this depressing finish as a product of Triple H’s massive ego and forget about it only if Orton wins the title at Backlash, and Legacy is established in the coming weeks as an actual worthwhile stable.

Turgid Worm’s grade for WrestleMania 25: D+

The only reasons it didn’t fail completely is because Shawn Michaels and Undertaker put on an awesome match, Steamboat and Jericho actually wrestled each other pretty well, and because Kofi Kingston, Shelton Benjamin, CM Punk, Christian and Jeff Hardy destroyed themselves for our entertainment.

If its worth doing, its worth doing With Turgidity.

Peace