Again, I have no idea what to write about. Maybe I'll just ramble on for a while and see where it leads me. I wanted to finish up a column I've been working on for 3 weeks, solely being obscene Chris Benoit jokes, but it's not that long, so I hope to have it done by next week. Reader beware, this column is OFFENSIVE. Even by my standards. To the point where I had to put OFFENSIVE in CAPS LOCK, because we all know that caps lock mean emphasis. I will try to get that up in the next couple of days, but I won't make any promises to you rat bastards, because being offensive and funny is a difficult task. I try to keep the funny on the inside. Maybe I should save it for Mr Ben Wah's anniversary. I'll celebrate it by pranking my family members and setting bibles next to their beds. I bet that'll freak them out and get me arrested for "attempted something".

Speaking of cops, how come wherenever someone gets arrested they don't just start singing 911 is a Joke.
Guffah. I think 2% of my audience will get that reference. Oh, how my star has fallen.

The biggest news in my wrestling week was the 20 minute call I had with Hassan from the WWE Investor Relations department. I still don't know how to tape conversations from my phone, so I implore any of my lazy readers to email me about how to record them. I'll post MP3s of my calls to YouTube or Megaupload for your entertainment, but I need to figure out how to record!

Here's the reason for my call:

Once you submit feedback on the WWE Investors Page, you can't click anywhere else. So I thought I would give Stamford a ring about their sh*tty website. First I got Amy, the receptionist, who I told the problem to and she didn't give a f*ck. I asked her why I should invest in their crappy company, if they can't even get a working web site. She told me that I shouldn't. Those were her exact words. So, I laughed at her and then made a KILLER point about not investing in the company who, says they are PG, but show massive bloody attack by Chris Jericho on Ric Flair at the top of the show. She stammered and I knew I caught the b*tch on something. I was ready to lay in, when, all of a sudden, she encourages me to be transferred to Hassan, a representative in Investor Relations. So, she transfers me and Hassan came on the line and addressed the non-working website as "understandable" and, I swear on my grandfather's grave, he said that Time-Warner's website doesn't even have a working form. I immediately call b*llshit and ask him what webpage that's on and he doesn't know. He stammers. He said he would pull it up. You see kids, when someone says something to you, its not always true. So, you have to verify yourself. This is called journalism. Not like the other writers on this site who report the most idiotic, untrue statements you've ever heard (Jeff Hardy giving his notice to WWE, Edge taking time off, etc etc). So, Hassan couldn't find the page, however he quickly moved onto numbers and figures, something an Investor would obviously know. Side note: had I been a little quicker, I would've asked him why he was quick to jump on Time-Warner (which has ties to Ted Turner). How come he knows so much about Turner? That feud ended 8 years ago. When will they let it go? Then, much of the call was spent on dividends that the company still can't explain that they are handing out, when their profit margins are getting smaller. One thing I will admit was that Hassan had a good product knowledge but wouldn't comment on why WWE is showing blood at the beginning of their program, when they are PG. His answer: we can't make every one happy. I should've jumped on him but my phone bill was growing and I wasn't yelling enough to sustain my interest. So, I guess the point is, if I'm not making Chris Benoit dead jokes, or sh*tting on a company, I really don't care about it. Maybe I should call Hassan back and leave a bunch of jokes like:

Why was Chris Benoit so strong?

He was always hanging around the gym.

LOLz. Get it???

Next week, I promise to rag on Ferras Ballout and Lucious Johnny F, but I just want a week off from bashing other writers on this site, because it feels like its turning into a gimmick. Now, I can't write a real column to save my life. Believe me, I rely heavily on gimmicks, but this bashing other writers can get tiresome and tedious, and will burn out my readers. Writing is stressful, in the sense that I have to relive horrific wrestling memories that haunt me in my sleep (Perry Saturn Loves Moppy, anyone? Triple H Reign of Doom? How about any Mike Knox matches? Those give me headaches, which can't be cured without drinking Scotch straight for days). So, if you think writing a column on the sh*ttyness that is our beloved sport, can you imagine booking this crap? No wonder Rob Feinstein wanted to have sex with a 14 year old boy! This business will drive you mental. Want more examples? Doink The Clown, Rockabilly, Mike Awesome The Fat Chick Thriller, Hugh Morris/General Rection, Nick Brockwinkle as AWA champ at 60 years old, Who Killed Vince, Macho Man's RAP CD, Owen Hart falling to his death, Chris Benoit's murder spree, The Rock's BOOK circa 1999, WWECW December to Dismember, Hall and Hawk's Alcoholism Angles, Zack Gowen, Billy and Chuck's gay wedding, WCW TerrorDome, any TNA gimmick match EVER, the words SPORTS-ENTERTAINMENT and WCW Scott Hudson. I could literally devote an entire column of just words and phrases of the massive sucktitude in wrestling, so if you think reviewing crappy entertainment is part of enjoyment, its not. I wrote this column to deal with issues plaguing the industry, not about hoping for the best, which is why I'm on the writers' asses. If this were 1997, I'd be a chipper young man and sing the praises, because, thats when I was into rasslin'. Its like eating fast food after fine dining. You admit that yes, the fast food was filling, but god damn, it sucked.

PS: Did you know if you call WWE's corporate line, and you ask to speak to Howard Finkel, the system will transfer you?
Tel#203-353-2887