This column is simple. I'm drinking and trying to watch Judgment Day. I'm joined in progress because I spent far too long shaving my ass hairs and forgot what time JD starts at. Actually, the truth is that I didn't get a Justin.TV feed until Shelton v Morrison. I saw the part where Johnny smacked his head on the mat. Way to channel the Mark Calloway. Maybe you should start no-selling finishing moves. Then you'll get over.

To be honest, I don't know if that joke was a dig at Undertaker who purporsefully no-sells stuff or if its a dig at Batista, who just plain doesn't know better. I guess this is like debating Roe v Wade, only without the dead fetuses.

Can you really market the word "Jackass" to kids? Hmmm. Lemme think.
5 year olds saying jackass... sure. Why not. It works for me. Far be it for me to call the WWE hypocrites. I'll call their office tomorrow and piss and moan.

Build up to LionheaWESOME vs Mr 619 (Todd Pentengill's words, not mine).

Ooooookie.

Justin.TV feed cut out and I found another one and John Cena just won. I have no idea where I am in the PPV. I feel like I'm on acid. Well, John Cena beats everyone, so if you found that surprising, you're a f*cking idiot. I'd call you worse, but aparently Krispy doesn't like astericks. He's discriminator like that. Unlike Vince, who is discriminatory against blacks. And don't email me that The Rock was black. He was was Hawaiian. Billy Graham is darker than The Rock.

The Jericho/Rey feed is back. NOW it feels like I'm on acid. I just texted a friend to ask if he had any magic mushrooms, because if I have to deal with this shit all night, I might as well embrace the crazy. No sense in doing something half assed.

If I was a girl, I'd touch myself to JR's voice. Unlike when I touched myself to Joey Styles' OB MI DIOS remarks during ECW's 1996 lucha match tape-trading heyday. And yes, I did tape trade for VHS tapes. Who are you to judge me?

I'll admit, I haven't watched SD in a month, but I have illlegally downloaded them. But I've been too busy with work (porn) to watch. I wanted to watch before this PPV so I could sound like I know what I'm talking about, but I'm having way too much fun being drunk and making up my own storylines. My imagination pictures Y2J fisting Rey's cornhole without lube and Rey getting mad about that. Could be worse... at least they aren't feuding over a shampoo commercial in Japan.

You know, if WWE was ONLY on one a week and 1 PPV per month, they would have an amazing product. The proof is in this Jericho/Rey match. Sounds like they had a good build, solid wrestling and psychology. But with 4 shows a week, I'll be a monkey's uncle if I invest that much time into a substandard product. Its not like 1999 when you had a great RAW, SD, HEAT and SHOTGUN SATURDAY NIGHT. Now, we have... well, I don't think I need to repeat all the stupid sh*t thats on WWE TV.

Rey won. Chris is a super heel, so it makes sense. No problems with that, friends. Don't hate the players, just hate the game. RKO vs Batista time. I'm going for a dumpski and maybe I'll have time to knock one out (masterbation joke) before they even get done the ring intros......

Batista is walk to the ramp and all I got to do was poop, change a light bulb, stretch my quads (not an HHH joke, I actually hurt myself working out) and get another beer. I was hoping to do more. Now I have to endure this entire match. Doggoneit.

Side note: RKO's "I Hear Voices" theme music is like a #1 song. At first when you hear it, its sooooo awesome. But after weeks of non-stop play, it gets very annoying. Kind of like that Hanson song.

TNA SUPER SPECIAL INTRODUCTION. Too bad this match ends in a schmooze. Sh*t, sorry, did I ruin it for you? Thats cuz someone ruined it for me. And by someone, I mean common logic.

I just cracked open beer #5.

Last night a girl at a club talked to me. And she wasn't hideous. I'm not actually lying. Why am I telling you this? Because I want to seem cool. And Dave vs Randy boring me to death. They should've made this an exploding ring match. I can be a dreamer, can't I?

Randy wiped his nose. Riveting.
I wonder if Patterson planned that.

This is like Flair/Steamboat, only without the drama, the crowd participation, the innovation or the interest. Instead, we have King and Cole rambling incoherently for minutes on end, with a dead crowd and a moveset so small that it makes Skinner's workrate look amazing. I haven't seen a match this bad since Tito vs Warlord. Or, for all you Attitude era fans, Taker/Kane vs Kronik in 2001.

I give this 4 Yawns. Maybe Dave Meltzer will steal this rating for his most boring matches of the year. I am secretly praying for Stan Hansen to run in and shoot on both "wrestlers" and wake up the crowd.

Side note: Has anyone read Batista's book and seen the picture of Big Dave with long, gay porn actor-type hair? Is that the man you really want as your champ? The only good thing Dave ever did was bend Melina over a sink and split her in two. Why can't we get footage of that???

Dave tried to flash the thumbs up sign. WWE wisely cut away. The man that made that decision is my new god.

I loved the ending of the match, because I'm not paying for the PPV, so I don't care if they had Batman fall from the ceiling and fart on people. Had I actually paid for the PPV, I would've smashed my TV. Why would you put a non-finish/SUPER CRAPPY ENDING to a title match? Why would you piss off your paying fan base? The reason why I'm watching Justin.TV is because they pissed me off when I paid for their product and I refuse to pay for stupidity. WWE deserves to lose as much money as possible. I haven't heard if this streaming sh*t is illegal, so I'll take advantage of it while I can.

It amazes me that ECW had a RULE, that clean finishes had to happen, even on their weekly, free TV show, so imagine how Paul E felt about PPV matches. Thats the difference between people who care about their fans and people who shit on their fans. I'd use TNA as an example, but they don't even have clean finishes at their house shows. HELL, they don't even defend their world title at house shows. Whats the point, Dixie?

Cena v Show. zzzz

How do WWE understand the TV ratings?
Cena was in the HIGHEST quarter hour of Raw AND he was in the 2nd lowest quarter hour of Raw.

Cena's gonna win.

I'm going to rest my head on the desk until this garbage match is over.

Cena won.

I need mental help. That match was beyond awful.

Note: Cena kicked out of Show's splash. Lawler asks "How'd he do that???"
Gee Jerry, you're in a fake sport, I don't know how he did that. The man walked away from being at the very center of an explosion. Your credibility is kind of shot, right about now. Maybe if you hadn't stuck a person to TNT-like device, maybe people could get behind the character a little more. Instead, you chose to insult the audience's intelligence. But thats neither here, nor there.

Cena sold back/neck/kidney injuries during match but during his celebration, he is jumping up and down on the turbuckles. Way to no-sell, John.
Jackass.

Edge vs Hardy. Is this PPV ever gonna end? Its damn near 4am here. I'm on my last beer.

why why WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY IS THE CHAMP COMING OUT FIRST?????DSF?DSFDSdfdsljgvah

Orton came out first also. What, in the sdkhjbing hell, is going on? WHY is it so hard for this crappy CRAPPY company to have consistency? Awful. I forgot why I supported ROH and stopped watching weekly shows. Its smalls tuff like this. Its also big stuff like having to see Batista's ugly face on my TV. But mostly because of stupid stuff they do. Making the champ come out first is a small, trite issue, but its a symbol for a bigger problem. Thank god for internet live feeds.

Hardy looks like he's part-Smurf, part-Mime. I wish he was part-unemployed.

How many botches will Hardy have? My guess is 5.

While you wait, here's a montage of some of Hardy's best botches:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYV6AcavytI

The crowd is d e a d.
HARDY CAN'T DRAW LOLZ.

Grisham says the spear was from 7 feet high. It was actually 3 and a half, at most. If you wanna sound like a jackass, commit to the crazy. Just say it was 80 feet in the air.

If Hardy wins this, I am going to rape the Justin, the TV and JustinTV.

In a WTF moment, Edge wins out of no where and the Chi-town idiots all stand up and stare at the entrance way (I guess waiting for Punk to cash in MITB). Edge wins clean.

So, thats the end of the PPV. Want a verdict? Easily, thumbs way down. Thats because Backlash was so awesome that this PPV couldn't live up to it. What did you expect? You're money's worth? Vince will throw you a bone every now and then but if it becomes too frequent, then the audience will come to expect it and stop ordering PPVs. So, to any chumps that ordered this pile of dung, you have been served. To people who got it for free, it was what it was. All filler, no killer.