Disclaimer: Any and everything stated in this column piece is 110% fact. Everything stated by Jamal is absolutely true. His opinion is gospel, and any opposing views are absolutely wrong.

Welcome to Round Three of “I Hate to Be ‘That’ Guy.” Let me start off by saying this. I can’t do it. Last week, I watched seven freaking hours of Wrestling; All of Monday Night Raw, NXT, TNA Impact and Smackdown. Couple that with the fact that thanks to MOMMYRAPER’s YouTube link in the comments section of my article last week, I’ve had “If You Only Knew” from the Piledriver Album stuck in my head for an entire week.

I hate you, Mommyraper.

Plus, going into wrestling shows hoping to find something that sucks enough to put in a column isn’t how I want to spend my ever decreasing television watching times. ALSO, if it weren’t for Hulk Hogan (more on this later), this week’s award winner would have been horrible. I was wrapping my head around how I would write an entire article about how NXT took forty minutes of airtime to play a damn quiz show, even though I was preparing to unleash a page long diatribe about how Joe Hennig almost missed the question about who main-evented Wrestlemania 12. I mean, seriously? How does a third generation “superstar” miss a question about a match that took place when he was seventeen at an event that his father actually worked? All three wrestlers should have been eliminated from the competition for taking so long to answer that question. I mean, it wasn’t the awesome, poop filled main event of Wrestlemania 13 (look it up), but I think that match set the standard for matches in America at the time. Oh, and how awesome was it to see Alex Riley exposed as a guy who knows absolutely nothing about wrestling history?

Let me stop right there, because I can FEEL the gray hairs starting to sprout on my chin right now. The point I want to make is this; I can’t watch that much wrestling in one week anymore, so I’m strongly considering going bi-weekly. I can answer questions from readers, or I can even take suggestions about things I can rant about, but either way, there’s no way in hell I’m doing that again.

Note: Jamal’s two week vacation is over, he’s not going to be as jovial as you’ve seen him the last few weeks

TWNPNews reader Phil sent me a letter following my “LOL@TNA” rant at the beginning of my last article in which I celebrated the company’s piss poor rating. I give him props for not taking the bait of my obvious trolling, as he actually gave me a well thought out response about why he likes TNA and can’t stand the current WWE Product:

Got to say you have an insight on here that I've never seen before and really enjoy! I am 38, and have been a wrestling fan since around 1980. I go way back another words...lol. I really enjoy the TNA product as it reminds me of the NWA of the mid 80's at least to a point. I can't stand the current WWE garbage these days! In fact, I only tune in to see who's on the card then find myself watching something else by 9:30pm. Thank God Monday Night Football is returning soon!

Would it be fair to at least believe that part of the reason for the poor ratings is the simple fact too many of the WCW fans have gone away, and the people watching WWE these days have no idea about wrestling? I see nothing good about the WWE right now. From the first time I saw NXT I wasn't at all impressed with their look, and after jobbing at Summerslam have now lost all respect for that faction. How can you have a major "take over" if you're losing right out of the shoot? There really hasn't been a good invasion since NWO in 1996, and I doubt we'll ever see one half as good again. At least the NWO had a great run for a while. I honestly wish people would give TNA a legitimate chance because I believe there really is an alternative. Keep up the great work!

If TNA = NWA in the mid 80s, who would be the Magnum T.A. of this era? I’ll go with Mr. Anderson, considering how over he is with the crowd and how he’s just one accident away from never wrestling again. See what I did there?

But Seriously Phil, as a way of saying thanks for writing, I won’t be a douchebag in my response.

Here’s the reason why TNA’s ratings are abysmal. They suck.

Ok, Sorry about lying. I’m going to be an EXTREME Douchebag.

TNA is not an alternative to WWE. An alternative would be a television show that focuses squarely on in ring competition while limiting angles and ridiculously long promos. Here is Thursday’s impact formula.

How can it be an alternative to WWE when it has the exact format as an episode of Raw?! That’s what it is: A half-assed, wanna-be Attitude Era, all ideas not being filtered through Vince McMahon before they could be put on screen, version of Raw. PLUS, the booking is just silly. They’ve proved it with the 8 man tournament. Why in God’s name would they even waste everyone’s time with a ranking system if it has no function at all? Shouldn’t the #1 and #2 wrestler’s in the ranking list have an automatic match for the TNA World Championship once the Champion was put out of commission? Why do you have a tournament when there’s a ranking system in place that tells you who’s next in line?

Then there is last week’s. I don’t know what made me angrier. ECW has to be the dumbest gang in the history of mankind. They’re pissed at Abyss, I understand that. He just murdered Rob Van Dam, and Hogan gave them marching orders to take him out. Do they attack Abyss all at once?

No. That’d be the smart thing to do.

Instead they sent STEVIE RICHARDS by himself to handle the problem! You know what made me even more pissed? Their IDIOTIC plan worked! Stevie almost defeated Abyss backstage alone, but after Abyss turned the tables on him, Rhino invited him to the ring and legit beat Abyss within an inch of his life in the crowd.

Rhino.

Beat up Abyss.

Alone.

I could go on and on about how I wanted to like TNA and all this crap, but then I’ll be doing what I give Trev Winters shit for all the time, and that’s beating a dead horse. And Frankly, WWE’s no better. I will agree with you 100% that Nexus is worthless following their loss at Survivor s—I mean, Summer Slam. I’m the biggest Cena apologist you’ll ever meet, but how they booked him at the PPV… Jesus.

I will give TNA some kudos though. THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE ARE BACK! YES! That’s right. I’m not too proud to say that this is the only thing in TNA I care about. Velvet and Miss Butter face herself have re-aligned and are going to take it to Tara and Madison Rayne. I can’t wait!

By the way, did anyone catch the part where Madison ragged on Angelina Love for using Botox? That had to be the funniest, most ironic line of the night, because Madison makes less facial expressions during her camera time than Jim Friggin’ Ross!

…Jesus that was really mean of me to say, but it’s true. Madison can barely open her mouth to speak! Look at her next time she’s on film.

Now, I don’t know how this turned into a gigantic TNA rant, but I am going to finish up the article with my gimmick and then get the hell outta here. Like I said before, the honorable mention this week was the one match episode of NXT that featured an epically long quiz show in which the contestants didn’t know the Iron Man match was Wrestlemania 12’s main event, and I’m going to pray that Joe Hennig was working everyone as he struggled to come up with the answer. Thursday night, I was freaking out, because it was starting to set in that I was going to have to fill an article about the episode of NXT. But then, these words were actually spoken on that night’s episode of TNA Impact:

That’s right! This week’s “I Hate to be ‘That’ Guy” award goes to The Immortal One, Star of this week’s impact, HULK HOGAN!

If someone told me back in 1985 that in twenty-five years, Hulk Hogan would still be the main focus of wrestling, I’d have been one really happy five year old.

Unfortunately, I’m thirty now, and this shit is getting real, real, old. In 2010, there shouldn’t be three separate angles in one organization that’s surrounding one guy who’s damn near in his 60s and another who’s PAST the age of sixty, but there is.

Thursday Night, we got to see a sixty one year old man threaten rape against Dixie Carter, and attempted homicide on her husband after being suspended from the company. Who would come out to save the day?

HULK HOGAN! Who else were you expecting? Hogan and his cronies made their way out to the ramp, and this is where I heard the single most ridiculous sentence in the history of the sport was spoken. “THANK GOD FOR HULK HOGAN”

REALLY?!!? DID I JUST HEAR THAT?!

Hogan then goes to completely eliminate Dixie’s latest ruling, and whatever credibility she had left and lifted Ric Flair’s suspension. Following that decision, he went to set up the main event for the broadcast.

Okay Hulk. That wasn’t too unbearable. Dixie has to take care of her husband, so that instantly puts you in charge (even though if Bischoff had a say, there’d be a tournament to decide the new leader). But that’s it. Your role on tonight’s show should be over. Go backstage, have a oatmeal pie.

The viewers wouldn’t be so lucky, as only about a half hour later, as Sting and Nash beat the living crap out of Jeff Jarrett (Have they explained why they’re so pissed yet? I’m pleading ignorance here because I don’t watch TNA regularly enough to know...) Who comes out to save the day?

HULK HOGAN! Sting, the day a fifty seven year old has the ability to sneak up from behind you with a chair is the day you need to strongly consider retiring. So the mighty Hulk Hogan has now embarrassed Sting and Kevin Nash by himself and sent them fleeing for the hills. Ok Jamal. It’s finally over. No more Hulk Hogan tonight, right? Wrong. Who would come out to save the audience from the evil commercials that are on the screen?

HULK HOGAN! He shows up once again, now giving the ECW guys the orders to put away Abyss. I’m honestly shocked that by the end of the night, they didn’t have ECW fail, forcing Hulk Hogan to save them from Abyss alone. But you know what? THE RATINGS WENT UP! So really, who am I to challenge the might of Hulk Hogan’s drawing power? Maybe that’s what TNA needs. Hulk Hogan in EVERY ASPECT of the show. Maybe we can have him somehow get involved in the women’s match ups while at the same time find a way to fit him on the commentary team with Tenay and Taz? Maybe we can just change TNA Reactions to the Hulk Hogan hour where he sits in front of the camera in an easy chair with a house coat on, reminiscing about the days he destroyed the entire eastern seaboard at Wrestlemania IV and single handedly swam the entire population of Hulkamaniacs back to shore on his back. LICENSE TO PRINT MONEY!

Go away Hogan.

I have a confession to make to you all.

I have a serious man-crush on Ahmed Johnson.

Yes, bigger than Bret Hart, Bigger than Benoit before he snapped. I wanted this guy to be my dad. I mean, he went undefeated for a year and bodyslammed Yokozuna.

Sure, he couldn’t talk. Sure he was sloppy and injured just about everyone he was in the ring with, but he was MY sloppy, injury prone, stiff asshole! What other African American did I have to look up to back in 95? Men on a Mission?! Saba Simba!? Kamala?! Johnny B Badd?

Shiiiitt.. Ahmed Johnson was 305 and he could still come off the top rope with a somersault leg drop. He could still do suicide dives and topes! Besides, Wrestling ain't, ballet, and if you can't take a 300 pounder landing on you wrong from the top rope, you don't deserve to be in this business anyway. Vader never complained.

He was the greatest ever, so when he became the first IC Champion, I went insane. I still have a glossy of the guy on my wall, next to my Owen Hart action figure where he’s beating up Isaac Yankem, DDS.

This week’s history lesson is from Wrestlemania 13, my second favorite Wrestlemania of em all. A lot of people remember this Pay Per View for the amazing main event of Sid vs. Undertaker, in which Sid reportedly evacuated his bowels in the middle of the match, or the more epic Bret Hart vs. Austin Submission match in which Bret beat Austin so badly the fans turned on him... However, there is a hidden gem in this pay per view, in which the Road Warriors would team up with Ahmed Johnson to vanquish Ahmed’s bitter rivals, the Nation of Domination in a Chicago Street Fight!

Protip: At 5:50 of part two, you will see Ahmed Johnson deliver a DISGUSTING Spinebuster on Faarooq. In his shoot video, Ahmed explains that he drove his forehead deep into Faarooq’s sternum upon impact, cracking a few ribs. He did this on purpose as a “receipt” for the ruptured Kidney Faarooq PURPOSELY gave him a year prior. Don’t mess with Ahmed Johnson. Peace-out until next time.