Report by Brian TuckerThe show opened with Michael Cole and Tazz running down tonight’s major events. Tonight, Booker T and Rene Dupree will face John Cena and RVD in tag team action, Bradshaw will give us his thoughts on being fired from CNBC, and Chavo Classic will defend the Cruiserweight title against Rey Mysterio.
Match 1: WWE Tag Team Champions Rico and Haas (w/ Miss Jackie) vs. The Dudley Boyz
The titles were on the line in this one. Charlie Haas was wearing purple and green tights, as perhaps he finally bought into whatever Rico was selling. it was about time Haas got back to wrestling on Smackdown!). Anyhow, a small “We want tables” chant broke out in the midst of the match, but Bubba told the crowd they weren’t getting anything. At one point, Rico was thrown out of the ring and appeared to have legitimately hurt his leg. The finish came when Jackie got up on the apron to distract the Dudley’s, but Haas ended up knocking her off, sending her crashing to the floor. While Haas was checking on her, the Dudley’s cheated and became WWE Tag Team Champions.
Paul Heyman stood at the top of the ramp and proceeded to talk about how it was his motivation that brought the Dudleys their 18th reign as tag champions. He then had the footage shown of Taker kneeling down to him last week. You see, Paul Heyman controls the Undertaker’s conscience and the Undertaker’s conscience is Paul Bearer. Heyman then said that he was willing to exploit that fact in order to “train the big dog.” With that in mind, Heyman announced that at the Great American Bash, the Dudley Boyz would be facing the Undertaker in a handicap match. In a further ploy to gain control over the Undertaker, Heyman also mentioned that Paul Bearer would be watching the match from a glass crypt made of 3-inch thick glass and that if the Deadman did not “do the right thing” on June 27th, then he would force the former Paul E. Dangerously to have cement poured into the glass crypt and make the Undertaker’s conscience disappear forever. All the while there was a cement truck and a casket nearby and, for a demonstration, Heyman had cement poured out of the truck and into the casket. Paul also promised that the Undertaker would bow down to the greatness that is Paul Heyman tonight. While it was a little over the top, Heyman’s promo was rock solid and the crowd was all over him.
Eddie Guerrero then came down and cut a promo where he poked fun at John Bradshaw Layfield for getting fired from CNBC. He then had clips shown of last week’s limo ride that was better than Disneyland. Latino Heat then challenged Layfield to come join him in the ring. However, it was not JBL that accepted the challenge, but rather Doug and Danny: The Basham Brothers. They said that they had unfinished business with Eddie.
Eddie Guerrero vs. Doug Basham, (w/ Danny Basham)
A couple of weeks ago, Eddie had a pretty good, yet short match with Danny, so I was hoping to see some even better action as the WWE Champion faced the more talented to of the two “brothers.” Doug did a pretty cool jumping leg drop very early in the match. The ref took a bump and the Bashams hit some nice double-team moves including their finisher, the Ball-and-Gag, but Eddie kicked out of Doug’s pin attempt. Eddie Guerrero eventually defeated Doug Basham via Frog Splash.
John Cena made his way into General Manager Angle’s office, where Kurt reminded the US Champion that tonight, he would have to team up with Rob Van Dam to take on Booker T and Rene Dupree in the main-event. He also mentioned that the Fatal Four-way at the Great American Bash was going to be a Fatal 4-way elimination match. Although Cena looked upset at the announcement, he made it a point to mention that he thought that Angle did not really hate Cena, but really wanted to be just like him. He then gave Kurt a John Cena hat. As the champ walked off, Angle threw the hat on the ground and told Luther how much he hated the Doctor of Thuganomics.
Backstage, we joined Funaki, who was dressed like John Cena, doing a battle rap against Josh Matthews (no relation). During his rap (w/ a beat provided by Brian Hebner), Funaki made fun of Kurt Angle’s lack of hair, which brought the former Olympic Gold Medalist into the picture to notify Smackdown!’s #1 Announcer that he would be facing Luther Reigns tonight.
Kenzo Suzuki vs. Spike Dudley
I’m not too sure why the WWE feels that putting newcomers against cruiserweights helps them in any way, but whatever. Kenzo Suzuki defeated Spike Dudley.
John Bradshaw Layfield (who will be on Howard Stern’s radio show tomorrow) then made his way to the ring in a new limo. Layfield, who had the Texas Bullrope with him, proceeded to cut a powerful, passionate promo that berated CNBC, the American media, Eddie Guerrero, and even the American people as a whole. He said that the media only focused on the negatives of certain situations and that three weeks after they hired him away from Fox News to help their ratings, which JBL mentioned might as well be hiding under the blanket of the Witness Protection Agency, they realized that he was a wrestler and that he had a big mouth. He switched gears by stating that a year and a half ago, he was the guest of the US Armed Forces in Afghanistan. While he was there, a man died in combat for his country and the American media decided that, rather than doing a story on that man, they would attempt to put a positive spin on the story of Sean Penn being a guest of Saddam Hussein in Iraq. An infuriated Bradshaw continued on by saying that the reason that the media and that the fans don’t like him is because he is the type of guy who threw you in your locker and took your girlfriend in high school. He said that he is a mirror for which all people can use to look at their faults, but that they did not like what they saw, and that made them mad at JBL. Unfortunately for the people, Bradshaw doesn’t care what you think, as he’s a man with a backbone who will stop at nothing and will be stopped by no one on his way to capturing the WWE Championship at the Great American Bash. That brought out Eddie Guerrero and the two had a short brawl that ended with Latino Heat standing in the middle of the ring taunting Bradshaw with the Texas Bullrope.
WWE Cruiserweight Champion Chavo Classic (w/ Chavo Jr.) vs. Rey Mysterio
Well, with Chavo Classic being released from the WWE on Tuesday night, the winner of this one was pretty obvious. Rey Mysterio defeated Chavo Classic.
Mordecai was then shown talking to his higher power. In a moment that really scared me, Mordecai began talking about going after Eddie Guerrero.
Luther Reigns vs. Funaki
Just a squash. Luther Reigns defeated Funaki via pinfall at After the match, Luther warned that anyone who wants to get at Kurt Angle would have to go through him. Angle then ordered the further destruction of Funaki.
John Cena and Rob Van Dam vs. Booker T and Rene Dupree (w/ Fifi)
Dupree’s Fifis are becoming like Eddie Guerrero’s low-riders in that they change every single week). Cena came to the ring in a classic Walter Payton throwback jersey. Solid, fast-paced action to start the match. RVD did a nice sunset flip off the top rope out of a double team. We then got a dreaded commercial break, but that is to be expected. Back from the break, the match was finally building into something when Cena and RVD cleared the ring of Book and Dupree and proceeded to fight each other before Rene and Booker re-entered and took control. In the midst of this turmoil, the lights went out and the Undertaker appeared in the ring. He proceeded to grab Booker T by the throat only to drop him and attack RVD and John Cena. As the crowd gave a mixed reaction, Taker gave Van Dam a chokeslam and then nailed John Cena with the Tombstone! Booker T/Rene Dupree and John Cena/RVD wrestled to a no-contest.