The Furious Five

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Hey Paisanos! It’s the Super Mar— uhh.. It’s another, randomly placed edition of the Furious Five!

The Furious Five!

I took some time off from denying people’s medical bill payments in order to toss a column onto the board. It’s been ages, but if there’s one thing that can inspire me to write, it’s TERRIBLE WRESTLING TELEVISION, and boy is there a lot of that going around right now! While TNA finally has a damn good World Champion in Bobby Roode, and they finally got rid of Vince Russo, they lose one of their hot young cruiserweight prospects in a freak accident at the PPV! Jesse Sorenson, Sorry About your DAMN Luck!

Damn. That was in bad taste.

Anyway, Bobby Roode is they’re only saving grace at this point, because everything else TNA is pumping out right now is pure shit. However, they can’t hold a candle to the shit-fest that is WWE TV right now!

Opening Rant

As I sat in front of my television set Monday Night, watching a pirated stream of Monday Night Raw from Sky Sports, I felt the same lingering, dull pain in my gut that has continued to fester and grow as the weeks of watching this terrible program continue to pass. No, it’s not some form of cancer (Shot out to Shadow!) but instead, it is the realization that I am CLEARLY wasting my fucking time watching this product. It seems that finally, my intolerance for shitty TV may be very close to overtaking my blind loyalty to World Wrestling Entertainment. That is a terrible feeling. As a person who sat through the “New Generation Era” with a smile on my face, a guy who laughed through Mae Young giving birth to a hand, and gleefully waiting for Smackdown to air Thursday night to find out the fate of Al Wilson, it seems that I can no longer stomach the shit that is being forced down my throat.

HHH vs. Undertaker 3. Holy Shit, Paul. Please get the fuck off of my TV! Seriously! Have you guys taken the time to analyze this feud? How did they get Undertaker to agree to this? Let’s explore, shall we? We have Hunter, bragging that he left the Undertaker a broken down piece of flesh at the conclusion of their match at last year’s Wrestlemania. By the way, I finally admit was one of the biggest piles of crap since Wrestlemania 9. I just couldn’t convince myself it was good anymore. I didn’t want to think of myself as a rube who’s first and only Wrestlemania that I saw live being one of the worst shows ever. MIZ AS THE MAIN EVENT?! REALLY?! But I digress… Hunter completely no-sells the fact that not only did he tap out to Undertaker, but this was the SECOND time he’s lost to the guy. How he comes out of that claiming victory, I don’t know. Regardless, the entire premise of this feud is that Hunter just KNOWS he’s going to beat Undertaker at Wrestlemania, and doesn’t want to be the guy to do it. How fucking presumptuous can you be?! I’ve already made a pact with my friends that if Triple H defeats ‘Taker at this years WM, I’m done with wrestling, PERIOD. But if this doesn’t end in Taker damn near killing The Game in their match, I’ll still be pissed off.

How about the “Biggest match up in Wrestlemania History,” which is a crock of shit. We have a guy who has terrible ring rust, and hasn’t been on WWE TV in months, and John Cena, who I’ve also given up on, thanks to this feud with Kane (More on that later.) Now, when the REAL biggest Wrestlemania match in history happened at X8, we had both wrestlers actually there to build the match up. What do we have now? A FUCKING TWITTER WAR. That’s right. We’re building to the supposed “DURR BIGGEST MATCH EVER” and the participants are building it up by throwing swipes at each other over twitter like two adolescent high school chicks. Fuck my life, is this what wrestling has been reduced to?

Then let’s look at how HHH cut the balls off of CM Punk vs. Chris Jericho. Jericho NEEDED that Royal Rumble win. After the buildup, after all the trolling, we get a last minute change, in an otherwise adequate Royal Rumble that ends with Sheamus, with almost ZERO build up getting the victory, while the writers now have to scramble to give Jericho a half-assed explanation speech on Raw two weeks later. How many times has HHH screwed Jericho right up the rear now? Jericho has to be caught up with Booker T on the list of epic Triple H burials now.

Let’s rewind a little bit, though… Let’s go back to the Rocky/Cena build. Knowing that Cena will be booed out of the building in Miami, we have this lame as fuck feud with Kane, which has pretty much just turned into the Zack Ryder burial hour. This feud has churned out some of THE WORST acting I’ve seen in my life. The image of Zack trying to get the tire off of that car will forever be burned into my memory. Eve’s dry eyed acting is so bad, I hope the writers take notice and at the very least, explain that she was in on the whole plan with Kane. Please, at least give me that. And we have John Cena with his no selling of 99% of the fans BEGGING him to turn heel, along with equally as pathetic video packages where WWE is all but begging the fans to cheer for Cena. You’d also think, after damn near twenty years with the company, WWE would have something better for Kane, instead of coming up with a stupid reason for him to not destroy Mark Henry after the World’s Strongest Man eliminated him from competition for several months.

This, however, brings me to today’s topic. While Kane’s attempt to get Cena to “Embrace the Hate” is quite bad, it doesn’t hold a flame (pun-intended) to some of the other crap-fests he’s been involved in. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you:

The Furious Five
Kane’s Lamest Feuds EVER!

5. Kane vs. Jericho “Coffee Feud”
WWF 2000

With Booker T and Edge’s feud over a “Japanese Shampoo Commercial” coming in at a close second, this is the dumbest start of a feud in the history of mankind. What’s even more mind boggling is that this culiminated in not one, but TWO pay per view bouts, one of which being the brutal “Last Man Standing” which is usually reserved to end a bloody feud. Kane attempted to explain that this had nothing to do with Coffee, but that Jericho represented the “pretty” people who labeled him a freak. No one was buying it. For the record, this was during the height of the much acclaimed “Attitude Era,” which once again proves my point that this was pretty much a terrible time in wrestling.

4. Kane vs. Undertaker

While I was incredibly happy to see Kane finally win the World Title again after twelve years, the punishment for us Kane fans for having to do so almost made the achievement not even worth it. So, on an episode of Smackdown, after failing to become the number one contender to the World Title, Kane randomly announces to the world that he had found his brother in a “Vegetative State” over the Memorial Day holiday. Now, even Anne Frank could see that it was clearly Kane who beat the shit out of his brother, but WWE forced us to ride out the long, agonizing, predictable feud that landed us with not one, not two, but THREE Undertaker vs. Kane matches on Pay Per View. I don’t know one motherfucker would want to see three Taker/Kane matches in their PRIME, much less in 2010, but we got them, with Kane destroying his brother in each contest. Undertaker would return in February of 2011 to no sell the feud and go on to fight HHH at Wrestlemania, and for the first time, I was incredibly happy WWE’s writing team showed they had no concept of continuity in storylines.

3. Kane vs. Shane McMahon

WWE sacrificed Kane’s amazing run in 2002 to unmask the monster, and I’ll be the first to admit I was wrong, it was FRIGGIN’ AWESOME! Finally we had the lunatic, zombie-like monster that was impervious to pain and would destroy anything in his path. Jim Ross got set on fire, Eric Bischoff chokeslammed off of a stage, and cops had to escort the bastard down to the ring while he was in chains. However, one incident, while awesome at the time, lead to number three on the list of “Lamest Kane Feuds.” At the end of an episode of Raw, Kane would tombstone Linda Mcmahon dead center on the stage of the Raw set, which led to mama’s boy, Shane McMahon to return to seek revenge. While at the time, the idea was awesome, the Shane that returned was not the same man that leapt off the top of the Titantron many years ago. No no no, my friends, the overweight and out of shape Shane that returned was a shell of his former self. Like the others on this list, this feud lasted for AGES, with the silliness escalating each week. Kane was kicked into a flaming dumpster, only to sit up and kill everyone in the hospital a week later, along with providing us with gay torture porn on another episode of Raw:

God, I’m glad we’re in the PG era, now. Much like his match with Cena at the next pay per view, this feud ended with Shane going for a ride at the conclusion of an Ambulance match. Kane would thankfully move on to the Undertaker, costing the then American Badass in his match against Vince McMahon. Huh. Now that I think about it, if Kane hadn’t interfered, “Deadman” Undertaker wouldn’t have returned. If Deadman Undertaker hadn’t returned, we wouldn’t have had those shitty matches in 2010. Ugh…

2. Kane vs. “Masked” Kane

Whew!!!! THIS is the feud they wanted to go with to promote Kane’s first movie? So here’s the story: Kane started going apeshit every time someone around him mentioned the date “May 19th,” which totally had nothing to do with the fact that his movie was coming out the same day. It was pure coincidence. The REAL reason why Kane would go rabid at the mention of May 19th is the fact that it was the date that his parents died in the fire that “scarred his face.” Things would have been fine had it ended with that. However, following the release of his movie, Kane continued to hear voices in his head, which led to the most pathetic looking imposter to make his appearance on Raw. You guys think Kane’s wig looks terrible now? Go look at the one that poor Luke Gallows was forced to wear as fake Kane. It didn’t help that the fake Kane was as green as grass during this feud. Kane actually LOST to this motherfucker on a pay per view! After a few more weeks of being owned by the imposter, WWE mercifully pulled the plug on the feud, having Kane randomly destroying the fake and reclaiming his mask on the June 26th Raw.

And that was it. We never saw from Fake Kane again, and Kane would be drafted to smackdown where he would set a black man on fire in an Inferno match.

1. Kane vs. HHH “Katie Vick”

This was during the Triple H “Master of Burials” run on Raw that made me want to assassinate him. To this day, I consider this the measuring stick of terrible wrestling. Everytime I think about picking up that remote and turning away from WWE for good, I suddenly think back to this moment and realize that nothing will ever be able to top this moment. NOTHING.

Kane had returned to Raw from injury and went through one of the hottest streaks of his career! Not only did he win the tag team championships with The Hurricane, but he defended the belts alone, winning TLC 4 by himself. He also went on to win the Intercontinental Championship, leading up to a “title vs. title” feud with Triple H. What happened next, was mind-boggling. Trips revealed that Kane killed a woman. The Big Red Machine would confess, that one night during a drunken party, he got into a car accident, killing his passenger, Katie Vick.

Huh????????? So what the FUCK happened to the storyline with Kane being burned in a fire and being hidden for 30 years by his father, Paul Bearer? Now, I’m a comic book fan, so I can appreciate the idea of retroactive continuity, but JESUS CHRIST! And shit gets worse, as Triple H would reveal to the public that after Katie Vick succumbed to her injuries, Kane plowed her lifeless corpse like she was Sasha Grey.

Again, God, I’m glad we’re in the PG era, now. Maybe I will stick around a big longer, as a fan. See you guys in another five months. I’m out.