Absolute Dog Shit of a Power Struggle Storyline (Paradoxicalorady)
Greetings! A warm welcome to all of you, the readers. Today, I – “Mr Excitement” (other people call me that too you know, I didn’t just make it up myself) – aim to bring to you the best column in the history of the entire multiverse.
Unlike my counterparts, the board of directors at TWNPnews have asked me to become head columnist – they want me to lead. They want me to serve. They want me to excite… hence the nickname “Mr Excitement”.
Aside from me being made head columnist, there’s also some other big goings on in the TWNP universe right now.
There’s a power struggle going on, guys. Behind closed doors the board of directors are sick of Shaun Plummer – current column board ‘administrator’… (quick fact: notice the inverted commas around the word administrator? This implies he is a poor administrator by using his own title against him in jest for the purposes of sarcasm. Please feel free to use this tact in the inevitable trade of insults below. You’re welcome).
Back to Plum-bum… They’re sick of him hiring poor writers. They’re sick of the lack of columns. In fact, the columns these days suck.. except mine. Mine is obviously awesome. We all know that. I don’t need to tell you this, I’m not an insecure person AT ALL, and if ANY of you say otherwise you’re wrong I tell you! You are WRONG! But I digress…
At present things are looking dire for Plummer… the board of directors believe, and I wholeheartedly agree, that his position is untenable. This column board has gradually descended into ridiculous smut over these past few months, and it is more inappropriate than a pensioner raping a baby in broad daylight.
They are looking to rename the role, the “Executive Vice Prime Minister of ‘Talent’ Relationships”.
Who deserves to make this role their own? Who deserves to hire and fire columnists? Who deserves to have that sheer thrill that absolute and unadulterated power brings?
I’ll leave that one up to you, the TWNP universe. But after speaking with the board of directors about my recent head columnist promotion, I’m quite certain who they have in mind.
But, being the pillar of the community that I am, instead of just ripping Plum-bum’s job away from him immediately I will do the fair thing… we live in a democratic society… so we do the mature and honourable thing…
WE HAVE A 12 MAN BATTLE ROYAL OF INSULT TRADING
-6 posters/columnists on my Team Mick
-6 posters/columnists on Team Plummer
As you can imagine being on ‘Team Mick’ is a privilege close to Knighthood, so get your applications in now folks!*
*retards are not allowed to apply for Team Mick
BRODUS CLAY… Brodus Clay, ‘The Funkasaurus’ is back! I am devastated, needless to say. Sure it’s just a gimmick for a bit of fun… but where does the future lay for clay? …on hay the right way with bray on a tray?
Seriously though – he can’t just keep squashing opponents and spending 95% of his time dancing. This is the WWE, not Dancing on Ice.
Just to backup what I’m saying, and that I’m not exaggerating with the ‘95%’ statement, here is a run down, EXACTLY as it happened, when he faced Jinder Mahal this past week….
– JINDER DIDN’T GET AN ENTRANCE, HE WAS OUTSIDE THE RING WAITING
– 3 MINUTE ENTRANCE BY THE FUNKASAURUS
– WHEN THEY FINALLY DO START GRAPPLING, IT LASTS ALL OF 25 SECONDS. BRODUS CLAY USED 3 MOVES – A HEADBUTT, A SUPLEX, AND A SPLASH.
– 2 MINUTE POST MATCH CELEBRATION WHICH WAS ONLY INTERRUPTED BY A COMMERCIAL BREAK
Seriously? I’d rather watch Dancing With The Stars. True, complete, and utter dog shit television. This is a public plea to the WWE … PLEASE FIRE THE BOOKER WHO CAME UP WITH THE FUNKASAURUS IDEA!
No more … please … no more!!!
WATER PISTOL KELLY…
Total Eminen wannabe, built like a testosterone deficient cancer patient, looks like he lives in a caravan (US = trailor)… “I, uuuuuhhhh, formally accept yo Wrestlemania invitat-ion maaaan, dawg’.. I rise above hate too yo’, just like ma’ dawg h’ere John Cena”
Makes sense that a weedy string if piss will be ushering John Cena into Wrestlemania – any male fans of his above the age of 13 are, as the Rock put it, WALKING VIRGINS.
==**!!! EXCLUSIVE !!!**==
We here at Sticky Corp have managed to get hold of the (as yet) unreleased Machine Gun Kelly Wrestlemania theme song! So as to avoid copyright laws (and to not make you consider suicide), we will release a brief transcript of the main chorus below… enjoy all you MGK fans! This is for all 4 of you…
“Yo, yo, yo, ma’ name is ‘Machine Gun Kelly’
Got’s skinny arms jus’ like jelly
Ma’ momma’s snatch be reekin’ smelly
An if you wanna fuck er you’se got’s to lift up her belly;
John Cena? He ma’ boy
Jus’ like my Transformer’s teddy toy;
Wrestlemania gon’ be off da’ hook an’ totally sick!
White trash rap 4 life and don’t listen to the stories in the papers ’bout ma’ dick!;”
“I’m Cheap White Trash With a Small Dick” – the official MGK theme tune for Wrestlemania is available right now on itunes!
REALLY? Michael Cole spots garbage on a regular basis, but this is Booker T territory. “Attitudonal”? Fucking ridiculous… MICHAEL COLE? Invest in a Dictionary and a Thesaurus! … and MICHAEL COLE? Hang yourself! … and MICHAEL COLE? Please get cancer.
Mike, we all enjoy your commentary, but PLEASE leave a bit more of the colour commentary to Lawler. It’s starting to ruin RAW…
In the words of the Great One….
SHUT YOUR MOUTH, MICHAEL COLE!
Wrestlemania QUICK PICKS!…
Mania is coming soon! On April Fool’s Day in fact… Hmmm, expect some swerves in that case then. I’m not going to go into detail with, I’m just going to make brief observations and winner picks on each match scheduled so far. That’ll come in another column (already you are lusting for it, aren’t you?)
So… ho ho ho…. here we go!
(winners in bold)
Randy Orton vs. Kane – Where the flying birtshit has this come from? Pre-PPV Kane inexplicably went after Cena, now Randy Orton? Credit where credit is due though, Orton and Kane are awesome at just getting involved in meaningless (story wise) feuds and making them seem much more important than they actually are. Randy Orton to win…
Team Teddy vs. Team Johnny – Some type of swerve will happen and neither team will win… I’m guessing a new power figure altogether will emerge…
The Undertaker vs. Triple H (Hell in a Cell Match with special referee Shawn Michaels) – Undertaker to make it 20 – 0.
WWE Champion CM Punk vs. Chris Jericho – Jericho to win this one. VERY MUCH liking Jericho’s insults toward CM Punk’s family! Very clever. Jericho has really made things interesting and I believe he’s going to pull of the victory, somehow, to lead us into a rematch at the next PPV… CM Drunk, CM Drunk, CM Drunk… (excellent)
World Heavyweight Champion Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus – Same deal here. I pick Daniel Bryan to win, continuing the feud beyond Wrestlemania.
Intercontinental Champion Cody Rhodes vs. Big Show – this is one I’m really looking forward to for some reason! Cody Rhodes beating Khali CLEAN on Smackdown was a huge boost to his career, showing he CAN beat giants. Personally I think that because Big Show has been demoted (in effect) by competing for the Intercontinental belt, and humiliated by Rhodes week after week lately, this year is going to be the Big Show’s… (but expect Cody to regain the title soon afterwards…)
Kelly Kelly and Maria Menounos vs. Divas Champion Beth Phoenix and Eve – Eeny meeny miney mo…. seriously, though, who HONESTLY gives a fuck? I thought we were going to see Kharma vs Beth Phoenix at Mania… but ah well, for fun, I pick Kelly Kelly and Unknown Diva
That’s all for now folks. I’ll see you in the next one. Again to reiterate – there is a vote going on, it’s between ME and Shaun Plummer for column board admin… who do you choose? Get your votes in now!
First voter gets a prize!*
*I promise, first voter gets a prize, scout’s honour!
- “I’m just going to cup your testicles sir,” said my doctor. “Then I shall need to insert a finger into your anus. Is this something you’re familiar with?”
“Something I’m familiar with?” I frowned. “It’s bedtime with Uncle Bob all over again.”
- I went on a blind date last night.
It didn’t work out though.
Her dog barked every time I tried to steal her purse from her bag.
- My doctor was checking my balls for any lumps the other day.
It got awkward when I ran my fingers through his hair.
Goodnight, and Thetan bless you!