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 I Hate to be 'That Guy...
Column Posted by Jamal on 11:19:03 PM Aug 15, 2010

Disclaimer: Any and everything stated in this column piece is 110% fact. Everything stated by Jamal is absolutely true. His opinion is gospel, and any opposing views are absolutely wrong.

This is a trial run. I’m sitting at my desk here at my job only hours away from my two week vacation, and have nothing else to do. My work is all caught up, and I forgot to bring something to entertain me. That is not good news for all of you who just made a gigantic mistake of clicking on this link. No, I’m not going to discuss “Ad Nauseam” about the state of pro-wrestling, nor am I going to go into a long drab rant about who should be pushed and who should go down to the bottom of the barrel. That would make me about as lame as every other wrestling news writer in the world.

I’m a Pro-Wrestling Connoisseur of sorts. I was raised in the North East Territories back in the 80s, so my first 10 or so years of my life, all I had was Vince’s Wrestling biz. Wendi Richter and Cyndi Lauper brought me into wrestling during the “Rock n’ Wrestling era” Hogan and Macho Man kept me there, and right as I was about to quit in the early 90s, some scrappy kid named Bret Hart defeated Ric Flair in an upset for the World Championship.

When I moved to NC in 1990, I caught my first glimpse of WCW. Unfortunately for me, that first impression that I witnessed was the dreaded “Robocop” angle, in which I promptly stopped watching their product until 1996. Fortunately, there were still other alternatives to the WWF at the time. Being in North Carolina, I got to see my share of Smokey Mountain Wrestling and USWA. I got to see “The Gangstas” before they made their impact on ECW, and being that I’m from a pretty legendary area for pro-Wrestling, NWA and other smaller feds toured through my town a lot. I got to meet Jim Cornette, Miss Jackie and plenty of other no names that were busy making a name for themselves, all the way up to meeting Jeff and Matt a few times before anyone gave a crap about them. I trained with some guys you wouldn’t believe, and bumped around in meaningless feds for a quick 15 minutes of fame.

In short, I know my shit.

Because of that, between my circle-of-friends, I am known as the “Go To” guy for wrestling knowledge. With that burden, I usually have the displeasure of being asked my opinion on all things professional wrestling, whether it’s smarks on the internet, to the douchebags I correspond with in real life who think they’ve discovered a world altering fact that wrestling is staged.

One of the things I’ve been asked about a lot recently is this ‘Wrestling’ series between the Motor City Machine Guns and Beer Money (see what I did there? I put Wrestling in quotes. More on that later…) It’s been called everything from “Match of the Year” to “The best series in the history of professional wrestling.” Take a peak down in the news section of TWNPNews. You’ll see a news report submitted for the iMPACT tapings that make it sound like Jesus of Nazareth himself returned for a special one hour in depth interview on Spike TV. Obviously, with blatant hyperbole as powerful as that, even the most cynical of TNA viewers (which I’d like to say I’m one of the top ten) would be tricked into tuning into the program.

After watching this episode of Impact, I have finally come to a few observations and opinions about not only this wrestling fed, but the fans who attend the tapings.

1: The Impact Zone fans are retarded.

I mean, seriously, did these guys chant “This is Awesome” during a prolonged beating on EV2.0 by a gigantic faction of heels? Were you chanting “This is Awesome” while Ric Flair was attempting to climb over the guard rail to attack Dixie Carter? Were you guys REALLY chanting “This is Awesome” while they showed RVD laid out in the back with a hilarious, slasher film amount of blood covering the backstage area? It looked like a murder scene!

Ok, I’m an old guy, I’ll be thirty soon so maybe I’m old fashioned, but please, can we pretend that Kayfabe is still alive just for a little bit? It’s bad enough that the Gangsta hugged Team 3D after attempting to kill them with chair shots and guitar shots at the Hardcore Justice PPV. But please… just a little realism, is it too much to ask for? For little old me?

2: Dixie, if you want to be an actress, lay off the Botox.

Dixie… Dixie, Dixie, Dixie. You are a hot old woman, I’ll give you that. But I’m tired of the cameras zooming on you in attempt to get your “Owen Hart” expression, but you have the SAME FACE. Your “concerned” look is pretty much the same as your “happy” face, which is the exact same as your “angry” face. I couldn’t tell if I was watching the sequel to Zoolander or not. Get her off of my screen, PLEASE.

3. Mike Tenay, shut the fuck up.

I cannot believe I held this guy with such high regard at one time. What happened to World Championship Wrestling Mike Tenay?! Somebody find him! Did Vince McMahon buy out that version of Tenay when he purchased the company back in 2001? I am honestly longing for the return of Tony Schiavone at this point.

Mike, if you have to continually remind all of the viewers at home just how great TNA wrestling is, the federation sucks. I get tired of these gigantic, middle of the ring masturbation fests where the wrestlers and the impact zone fans have to keep repeating to themselves that they’re product is the best in the world. REAL successful businesses don’t have to do that, their patrons do it for them.

And finally…

4: No one on the internet knows what good wrestling is, anymore.

I’m beginning to think I live in a different universe than all of you, but I did not see the match of the year last night on TNA Wrestling. Therefore, the I Hate to be That Guy Week One Award goes to:

The Motor City Machine Guns vs. Beer Money

I really Hate to be “That Guy,” but The MCMG vs. Beer Money match was THE WORST thing that was on my television in the year 2010, and I watched something called “Transmorphers: Fall of Man” about a week ago. Hell, I saw a trailer for a Bangladesh version of the Incredible Hulk just yesterday.

Firstly, this match had about as much psychology as your average Combat-Zone Wrestling match. Seriously, it looked like I was watching The Backseat Boyz vs. Nick Gage and Nate Hatred (Yeah, I’m not bullshitting when I told you guys I watch REALLY bad wrestling) Now, I’m not Sigmund Freud by any stretch of the imagination, but I’m pretty sure that when you’re slingshotted from the ground by one wrestler (which is a stupid, business exposing move in the first place) INTO A FRIGGIN DDT, you’re not going to be standing up, perfectly healthy in 10 seconds to hit a kick to the back of the head. No Psychology what-so-ever and the worst selling since Undertaker’s debut at Survivor Series 1990.

It seemed like these guys just pretty much threw out the idea of selling moves, and were more interested in hitting a spot, rushing to set up the next spot, hitting that spot, rushing to next spot, rinse and repeat. It was insanely horrible. When I’m watching wrestling, I do not want to see the latest dance moves. Some of the spots they set up looked like Kid ‘n Play’s House Party dance sequences. Keep the choreographed crap away from me. I do not want to see “Dancing with the Stars” on Spike TV on Thursdays at 9 – 11. This was the epitome of spot monkey business, and both teams failed miserably at the attempt of Japanese “strong style” near falls. This was not the match of the Year. That honor goes to Shawn Michaels vs. The Undertaker II. This isn’t even the television match of the year. I’m leaning more towards Chris Jericho vs. Bryan Danielson, or even Matt Hardy vs. Ziggler. This was just a damn travesty. I want my time back, TNA! I could have been playing the new Scott Pilgrim video game during this crap.

Kids, if you want to see what makes a good wrestling match, go to your little Youtube.com and Type in “Bret Hart vs. Bob Backlund Survivor Series 1994.” It is a thirty-five minute mat classic, with Bret Hart selling the cross face chicken wing so awesomely, he wore a sling on his arm for weeks afterward.

Well, that’s it for me. I may be back next week, because I have a bone to pick with the direction of women’s wrestling in the WWE, and if I’m nice, I’ll include a story where I met Trish Stratus that did not go very well at all.


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