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 The Furious Five
Column Posted by Jamal on 9:22:20 PM Oct 6, 2010

Happy Hump-day, bitches, it’s another edition of The Furious Five. Tonight I have a feeling I’m going to be honoring the namesake of the column more than usual tonight, and I have a feeling I won’t get too many compliments by the time I’m done. Oh, and I don’t plan on spell checking tonight, so good luck to you, the reader.

Opening Rant

Michael Tarver was my favorite member of Nexus. Yep, I didn’t typo that, I didn’t confuse wrestlers. Michael Tarver was the best part of the Nexus, so you can understand how perturbed I was at the outcome of his opening match on Raw last night. Now, I don’t want to “pull out the card” but I find it curious that we’ve now seen John Cena lynch two black men in the middle of a WWE ring while thousands of blood thirsty fans screaming for more violence. Reminded me of Wrestlemania 17 when Austin did everything but hang The Rock in the middle of the ring while the fans continued to cheer him as a baby face. This shit was not cool at all. Even though I was upset, I thought to myself “Ok, Cena got one over on the Nexus, Tarver will be out for a little while but he’ll be back.” WRONG AGAIN, JAMAL. We get a nice little backstage scene where Wade Barrett cements the burial by saying he wanted to get rid of the guy for a while anyway. REALLY?

I’m seriously racking my brain as to why they would do something like that. Darren Young I can somewhat understand. The guy could speak on the mic well enough, he had sub-par to decent in ring ability, but wasn’t over with the fans at all. I mean, the fans booed him out of an arena when the guy was giving a heartfelt thank you for allowing him to wrestle in front of them. I’ll give WWE a pass for trimming him from Nexus. But Michael Tarver?? I may be COMPLETELY out of the park on this one, but the guy’s microphone ability is only second, maybe even EQUAL to Wade Barrett. Secondly, his in ring ability is on par with everyone else in the Nexus, and he brought an intensity that no one else in the stable could bring. The way he carries himself around makes you think that there’s something legitimately wrong with him. In a post on TWNPNews.com a day after the Nexus debuted, some mark named Jeff in the comments section said he looked like a “Murderer” and someone who’s Insane. GOOD.

Why the fuck get rid of this guy? I don’t know, but how the men of color are slowly vanishing from Nexus certainly reminds me of the white washing of The Legacy a few years ago. Remember when THAT stable had two guys in it who were sons of two Samoan wrestlers who had a better fan base than Randy Orton’s dad? I bet you don’t. Randy didn’t want them in the stable for whatever reason and they were gone from the WWE soon after. All I know is that David Otunga better PRAY his marriage with a semi-famous singer holds up because I’m positive it’s the only thing keeping him from being repackaged as the new Samba Simba. Johnny Fever especially pissed me off when he completely disrespected Tarver by calling him “The gangsta guy” and stated “Once they get rid of Otunga, we’ll have four talented guys” Really Johnny? Heath Slater is more talented in the ring than Tarver? Justin Gabriel, the guy who can only sell his own move and can’t talk worth a shit is more talented than Michael Tarver? Give me a fucking break. Please Johnny, feel free to explain what he did in the ring that was just so terrible. In the meantime, here’s Michael Tarver’s NXT profile. Try to explain to me again what is so terrible about him.

Following the random burial of Michael Tarver, we then had the match that actually caused me to turn off Raw for the night. Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus.

Wow. Let’s see here. Yoshi Tatsu… Morrison… Either of the Usos, Santino, Darren Young… There are almost a dozen wrestlers on the Raw roster who could have been in that match with Sheamus that night. Can someone please explain to me why in the FUCK they would put their United States Champion, who just made their Money in the Bank winner TAP FOR THE SECOND NIGHT IN A ROW the day before, in a position to be destroyed by Sheamus? Seriously, because I completely clueless as to why they would openly bury their champion in the middle of the ring like that last night. Did he step on Vince McMahon’s shoe? Did he scare HHH’s daughter? Why the fuck would they simultaneously bury Bryan and the US Title like that? It was by far the most stupid shit I’ve seen on wrestling, and a clear winner for this year’s Worst WWE match of the year. I couldn’t WAIT to turn the tv off after that shit, so someone in the comments section, if I missed anything good on Raw after that, please enlighten me, because I put the ‘E on time out after that debacle, but I digress… Let’s get to tonight’s list before I pop a blood vessel in my eye.

Five Marks Who Happen to Also Be Wrestlers

When my hero, the greatest wrestler in the Universe, Ahmed Johnson was fired from the WWE back in 1998, Vince McMahon spoke about it shortly after on an AOL WWF Chat. He stated that Ahmed Johnson no longer understood the line between Ahmed Johnson the Character, and Tony Norris. I never really understood what that meant until my later years as a smark. When wrestlers take their profession wayyy to seriously as if it were a real sport, they become “marks for themselves” and their credibility begins to vanish quicker than the first sentence of aTrev Winter’s column. Here’s an example. In late 1999, Kevin Nash became head booker of WCW and suddenly was the man who ended Bill Goldberg (who’s a MAJOR mark for himself, but not enough to make this list) win streak. The only reason why Kevin Nash isn’t on this list is because there are even bigger jackasses who are taking up his space, and Kevin will now job to anyone in the arena if the money’s right. Here are my top five Wrestling Marks:

Bret Hart

I’m going to start out the list with my favorite wrestler ever (Yeah, I know I JUST said Ahmed Johnson was, but fuck you!) There will be an ENTIRE column on how Bret Hart made shitty wrestlers look good in the ring next week, but that is not what this is for. We all know Bret’s ability to carry matches, but an even better ability that no one knew he had was to mark out over himself like NO OTHER! Based on stories I’ve heard from multiple accounts, Bret lived in another world where wrestling was real and he was a legit national hero. So it’s easy to see why in 1997, when he was asked to step aside, allowing HBK to become the fed’s #1 heel while Austin became the fed’s #1 face, he went batshit insane. Here’s a video of Scott Hall, the king of jobbing and the unmarkest person on planet earth, describes visiting Bret’s house:

Here’s another story, told by Justin Credible:

So there you have it. Bret Hart is a dick, which is hard for one of his biggest fans to say, but it is what it is. Why isn’t he higher on the list? Well, Bret generally never refused to job to people. In fact, if you are to believe his testimony, Shawn Michaels is actually the only guy he outright refused to job to. That keeps Bret at a low place on the list, because the next two guys on my list were such MASSIVE marks for themselves, they gave themselves MULTIPLE title reigns!

Jeff Jarrett

Should I even really be hating on this guy? I mean, he is responsible for fans creating a brand new chant JUST for him. “DROP THE BELT! DROP THE BELT!” Let me ask you a question, how does a guy who is held down by management for so many years turn around and do the same thing to guys who are coming up in the business? Oh well, I guess everything is cyclical, so I guess I really shouldn’t have been surprised when good ol’ Double J proceeded to book himself to win the NWA World Championship SIX FUCKING TIMES. Insecure much, Jeffy? Six times? You want to talk about why TNA is in the shitter, look to the early years where Jeff held a stranglehold on the main event picture for it’s first five years. Oh, we’re getting a tv deal? Who wants to see Raven with the NWA strap? BETTER WIN IT OFF OF HIM AT A HOUSE SHOW! I gave someone shit about X-pac heat in the comments section a long time ago, stating that it doesn’t exist. Well, I concede. Jeff Jarrett has to be the first guy in the history of history to ever have a crowd chant to him to please lose the belt. That transcends the realm of smarkdom right there, when you have an ENTIRE Arena letting you kno that that they understand the show is scripted, and want you to lose the belt. No videos for Jeff, He doesn’t deserve it. Again you may be asking, “Damn. Booking yourself to win titles because you’re the boss is really bad. Why is he only at #4?” Well, because, while booking yourself to win six belts is bad, it comes nowhere close to booking yourself to win FIFTY-TWO.

Jerry Lawler

THE KING OF MEMPHIS, BABY! You know this guy had to be on the list. I didn’t typo, earlier. This guy booked himself to win FIFTY TWO FUCKING TITLE REIGNS! And that’s just in one fed! We still have all of the other obscure Memphis territory feds to count as well, but let’s not get into it. Now, not only did this guy book himself to win a bunch of undeserved belts, but he got his son Brian Christopher over as well. The fans loved these motherfuckers, and being that I was living in a southern territory during their hayday, I couldn’t understand for the life of me why they were complete polar opposites in the WWE. Lawler is a walking breathing “Mary Sue.” Don’t believe me? OKAY! Here’s footage of Lawler no selling all of Bret Hart’s offense before destr.oying him in Memphis! YES. SERIOUSLY!

I’ll admit, though, that entire “McMemphis” storyline was awesome. Too bad it had to end when that 14 year old girl accused Lawler of rape.

Matt Hardy

Matt falls into one of those “Delusional” marks. He’s in that category with the likes of Tom Zenk and Paul Roma. Matt hasn’t even reached the pinnacle of Sports Entertainment yet and for some reason thinks he’s the internet’s biggest star. I’m not being facetious, either. This guy actually dedicated an entire day’s worth of tweets from his twitter page where he called out wrestling journalists that he didn’t like. What a sociopath! That’s one step below visiting detractors from the internet at their houses ala Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. Unlike the Bret Hart entry, where I had wrestlers comment on how he was a mark for himself, I’ll show you Matt’s own Youtube account where he’s clearly high on something, while talking about himself like he’s about to take over the wrestling business. Matt’s pride is baseless and he needs to stop letting these morbidly obese ring rats fill his head up with bullshit.

Getting yourself fired once and on the verge of doing so again because you’re too stupid to NOT shoot on the internet gets you put as #2 on Jamal’s Biggest Marks for themselves list. Who is #1?

Ric Flair

I can see the hate mail now, but Ric Flair is, without a shadow of a doubt, the biggest mark in the history of pro wrestling! You see, that’s what happens when you’re revered as the greatest wrestler to ever walk the face of the Earth. If you begin to believe your own hype, you become a total douchebag. Ric Flair, like Bret, believe that their championship accomplishments mean shit, failing to realize that they were written to win every single piece of gold that was ever around their waist, and Ric is guilty of booking a few of his title wins himself. What sets him apart is his outrageous rants towards other wrestlers that he doesn’t feel are on his level. We all remember his lunatic rants on Bret, saying he never drew a dime. We also remember him calling Mick Foley a glorified stunt man! What’s worse about Ric Flair is that he’s a MAJOR ass kisser. MAJOR. Let’s take a look at another video of Flair hating on EVERYONE, including TNA!

Three years later, Flair proves himself to be a hypocrite by working in an organization with most of the people he criticized in the above video. Here’s more, from Kevin Nash:

And there you have it. Ric Flair wins the “Biggest Marks who happen to be Wrestlers” award. Next week I look at five pieces of crap who couldn’t wrestle worth a damn in the 90s but just happened to cross paths with the best there is, was, and ever will be, Bret Hart, and how those matches against Bret tricked you into believing these five guys were worth a damn. I’m outta here guys. See ya on the Thirteenth!

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